Washington, DC - Secret Service spokesperson Vanessa Star confirmed today that US Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was a brief victim of identity theft last week. The confessed thief, Larry Greenwald of Roanoke, Virginia, voluntarily turned himself in to Federal Authorities this morning after experiencing what he called "nightmarish delusions of world domination."
"I couldn't take being Rumsfeld anymore," Greenwald shouted to reporters as he was taken into custody. "As soon as I assumed his identity, I became obsessed with taking over the world… My whole life was consumed with planning invasion strategies for Iran and North Korea…" Following the comments, Greenwald was abruptly led away in handcuffs by FBI agents while shouting "Think about it… Wolfowitz at the World Bank, Bolton at the UN, Rice at State… Don't you guys see what's going on here?!"
When asked for comment, Mr. Rumsfeld's spokesperson told a Press Briefing audience that the only thing delusional is Larry Greenwald himself. "He's a common thief and will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law." Before turning himself in, Greenwald charged over thirty-five thousand dollars worth of small arms, night vision goggles, and Kevlar body armor to Rumsfeld's American Express Card. He also allegedly ordered a desert-camouflage H1 from Capital Hummer & Volvo in Roanoke. Officials from the fraud detection unit at Amex refused to comment on why the purchases weren't immediately flagged as being abnormal for Rumsfeld's profile.
In an emotional interview, Greenwald's wife told CNN that her husband became a different person the prior week. "I thought he had slipped back into drug use," she said tearfully. "I hadn't seen him so looped since we used to drink mushroom tea together in college. Back then he just wanted to take over the Administration building to protest the Vietnam War. Last week he wanted to take over the world. This definitely wasn't my Larry." Greenwald, a fifty-five year old unemployed painter and leader of the Roanoke chapter of ‘Democrats for Peace,' apparently assumed Rumsfield's persona after betting his poker buddies that he could steal anyone's identity with nothing more than a little social engineering and some dumpster diving. Although not confirming Greenwald's methods, Secret Service agents have since started screening all trash containers at Rumsfeld's Georgetown bungalow. The Defense Secretary's credit cards, bank accounts, and NRA life membership card have reportedly been re-issued.