Washington, DC - Porter Goss, the recently appointed director of the CIA says he has an "excellent idea" as to the whereabouts of Osama bin Laden. In an interview with TIME magazine, Goss repeatedly made this claim but claimed that capturing the al Qaeda leader would take time and require greater cooperation from allies in the war on terror.
Withdrawing a map of the solar system from his attaché case, Mr. Goss directed the TIME reporter's attention to the third planet from the sun - the Earth. "According to the best available intelligence," explained Goss, "we believe that bin Laden is somewhere on our planet." This assertion has laid to rest recent speculation that the terrorist mastermind had fled the plant for what was rumored to be a hidden base on one of Saturn's moons.
"We'd heard rumors that al Qaeda has set up a base on Titan," continued Goss. "We sent a probe to the planet be didn't detect any signs of life or recent habitation. This led us to refocus our search in other parts of the solar system." Using an array of earth-based telescopes, as well as orbiting sensors, the CIA conducted a thorough scan of all of the planets and satellites orbiting the sun. "We gave it the old college try," explained Goss, "but we came up with bupkis. This lead us to reach the firm conclusion the bin Laden must be here on earth."
One senior administration official - who requested sanctioned anonymity due to fears of retaliation - disputed the CIA's analysis of the situation. "Simply because the CIA did not find evidence of al Qaeda on any extra terrestrial bodies in this solar system does not necessarily mean that they are on the earth," this source explained. "It is equally possible that they have obtained cloaking technology that renders our search systems obsolete. It is also quite possible that the terrorists have left our solar system."
The strong possibility that bin Laden and his associates are here on the earth set off a firestorm of activity within the US intelligence community. "If bin Laden is in fact here on the earth," commented Goss in TIME, "we in the CIA will spare no effort in finding him."