Written by Rob Norman
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Topics: Fraud, probe

Saturday, 18 June 2005

Woodbury Heights, NJ -- 95 year old John Taylor, former chairman of the 1950's-era model train producer Tyco, was arrested today at the Woodbury Heights Serenity Gardens Nursing Home in connection with the Tyco International fraud investigation. In a press conference that followed the arrest, District Attorney Spokesperson Janet Swindle stated that Taylor had been indirectly implicated in the Tyco scandal by Dennis Kozlowski himself during the plea bargaining negotiations preceding Mr. Kozlowski's trial. "Mr. Kozlowski spoke at length about his early obsession with models," she stated for the record. "It didn't take this office too long to put all the pieces together."

Fearing that Taylor may flee the country, prosecutors were swift in securing an arrest warrant after citing provisions of the Homeland Security Act that allow them to do pretty much anything they damn well please. Characterized by the District Attorney as a "sly businessman who profited shamelessly from the post-war boom in model railroad enthusiasm," Taylor is now a key figure in the sweeping fraud investigation.

Taylor's son-in-law spoke to reporters outside of the Woodbury Heights Correctional Facility where the defendant is being held without bail pending a preliminary hearing. "This is nuts," he insisted in an emotional plea. "Dad made model trains for crying out loud… He's an old man… Don't they realize that this isn't even the same Tyco?"

Prosecutors, however, disagree. "The fraud at Tyco has been going on for years and permeated the company at many levels," insisted Assistant District Attorney Michael Smith. "America will no longer stand for corporate corruption and it's our job to round up and prosecute those responsible at the core." Smith, characterized by some as a blood-thirsty and overzealous prosecutor with a history of botched indictments added, "This one's going to stick, I can feel it."

The local District Attorney's office has been under increasing scrutiny since the acquittal of Jimmy Enrone, owner of Enron's Coney Island Hotdogs, last September. Enrone was charged with forty three counts of fraud in connection with the Enron energy scandal who later proved, after racking up over three million dollars in legal fees, that he was, in fact, "just a freakin' weenie vendor."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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