(October 21, 2010 -- Madison, WI) …Startling news this morning out of rural Wisconsin, as I have obtained documentation from Lana Peters, the only living daughter of former dictator Joseph Stalin, stating she will file litigation against every media conglomerate in the United States of America. Peters, who was formerly known as Svetlana Alliluyeva until she had it legally changed because she was tired of seeing little red squiggly lines underneath her name when typing, is now 84 and lives in a secluded Wisconsin community. In a move that has been labeled by some as "unprecedented" and by others as a mistake on the level of "MTV Programming," Peters is not suing for defamation of character, as expected, but instead because she is disgusted with the lack of notoriety given to her deceased father.
"Like any daughter, I'm defensive of my father. I'm not trying to pretend that he didn't murder 20 million people or whatever it was, heck, I'm not even claiming he didn't laugh while doing so, I just think a man who achieved so much deserves a certain level of respect and recognition. Everywhere you turn, its 'Bush is Hitler,' 'Obama is Hitler,' 'if we do this it will be like 1930's Germany' and blah, blah, blah. That's just lazy journalism, anybody can do a quick search on Google and realize that my father was a much more terrifying human being."
Mrs. Peters wasn't brief with her statements:
"Hitler just wanted to kill jews, that's it, I mean sure he had no problem dispensing of a couple blacks, gypsies or Jehovah's Witnesses', but who hasn't want to kill one of those guys, I mean come on, it's 9 am buddy I don't want to see your flower, can't a woman chug vodka out of the bottle in peace, I mean Jesus! But anyway, my father deserves recognition because he wasn't caught up in physical appearance, or some kind of agenda, my father had no problem killing his own people. And did he give them the sweet, sanctimonious death of a gas chamber or gun shot? I think not! How did he do it? Oh, no big deal, just allowed famines to rapidly spread around his country allowing millions to literally die of hunger. As far as I'm concerned Hitler is a pusse."
As expected this deceleration and corresponding legal action caused a media shit storm not seen since whatever story immediately preceded this one. Outside of Peters herself, the most sought after interview was famed CNN host Larry King. King, who recently announced his retirement from broadcasting citing his desire to "spend more time with his family" and "focus on his impending death," is an important figure in the controversy because he was in the same graduating class as Joseph Stalin's father in 1853.
"Of course I remember little Joey. He was such a go-getter, a real overachiever. If you said 'Hey Joey! Betcha' can't ruthlessly murder 50,000 innocent human beings by next Tuesday,' he'd look ya in the eye and tell you it'd be done by Monday, I mean that's just the kind of guy he was. As far as this whole Svetlana ordeal, I couldn't agree more. I haven't had the chance to get to know her as well as I'd hoped on the account of my rapidly deteriorating anatomy, but she seems like a nice girl. Every person should take pride in their parents, even if those parents happen to kill the families of every acquaintance you've ever had."
Jeff Zucker, President & CEO of NBC Universal disputed the charges:
"These are slanderous accusations that I would never expect from the daughter of one of history's most infamous mass murderers. Sure, our outlets may have referred to President Bush and his cabinet as "Hitler like" or "Nazi stormtroopers," but come onnnnn, we haven't even brought it up since like November of 2008. Some people just insist on living in the past, I wish everybody would just stop talking about Bush unless they're giving Obama a free pass and blaming every single problem on his mistakes for political gain." Zucker was pressed to address the charges more extensively "I'm not looking to ruffle any feathers here, I've already done everything in my power to burn NBC to the ground quicker then the World Trade Center on an autumn morning, but if it will appease Mrs. Peters, we will do everything in our power to reference Mr. Stalin by sensationalizing every fucking thing that ever happens."
Fox News Anchor and constant purveyor of Hitler analogies Glenn Beck, unexpectedly weighed in on the topic with a bunch of nonsensical garbage:
"America, this lawsuit is a giant load of horse shit that was clearly conspired with the current Muslim Nazi administration we have in this country. Let me tell you this, America is the greatest country in the world, I don't think enough people stop and think about that. We live in the greatest country to ever exist, nobody has ever come close and nobody ever will, sure the Democrats would like to make you think that it isn't great, and sure I spend the vast majority of my time on the radio and television focused on pointing out everything that's wrong, but as long as I have a little plastic flag flying on my SUV, I know that I'm patriotic."
When perplexed reporters went on to explain that this had absolutely nothing to do with the topic they were covering, Beck elaborated:
"I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm proud to live in a country where I can so easily create controversy by referencing historical figures that are in no way similar to any human being on Earth and connect dots that only exist in the minds of people who are willing to disregard reality and be pandered too."
German President Christian Wulff also commented on the groundbreaking lawsuit:
"Personally, I wholeheartedly support these actions. Referencing Hitler is downright preposterous, clearly Joseph Stalin was totally worse. In fact, he was so much worse that we should probably just forget about that whole (alleged) Holocaust thing right? I mean, technically its never even been proven."
The case, which is sure to end up in front of the Supreme Court, is one of the most anticipated legal events since O.J didn't murder that woman whose blood was all over his body as he innocently raced away from the police because it's well known that anybody willing to endanger their own life along with countless others definitely did nothing wrong because one police officer used a racial slur in his life. If successful, the case's repercussions will shake the media world as broadcasters will be legally obligated to reference Stalin at a 2-to-1 ratio over Hitler. We have received numerous reports detailing the widespread preparation for the change, as pundits have been tirelessly scanning Stalin's Wikipedia page for catastrophes they can make analogies too.