Written by rvler9201
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Wednesday, 20 October 2010

image for High school dropout says flipping burgers beneath dignity
The fruits of Mitchell's stellar academic career

SEATTLE, WA-High school dropout Tim Mitchell, 24, feels that his current job as a McDonalds fry cook and burger maker is not suited to his abilities, and does not envision a life where his lack of secondary education and work ethic are an impediment to a happiness.

"This is below me," Mitchell informed reporters during his cigarette break, which lasted over 10 minutes the allotted time. "I mean, this is a job for Mexicans and grade-schoolers; you know, people with nothing going for them." Mitchell has never had more than $1,000 in his bank account at any time and was almost forced to repeat the seventh grade after receiving straight D minuses for consecutive semesters.

Mitchell, who dropped out of Roosevelt High School in 2002 following 10th grade, indicated that he feels a lack of fulfillment in his job, which he secured this past April after a dearth in employment of 11 months following his firing from a packaging job at U.P.S .

"What incentive do I have to care? It's fucking McDonalds; I can do a shitty job and nobody will notice or care," said Mitchell, who has received numerous complaints from both customers and coworkers during his tenure with the fast food restaurant and earned a "poor" on his latest evaluation.

Though sources close to the derelict indicate that he is lucky to be employed at all, let alone at a job with health insurance, the loafer insisted minimum-wage employment was not what fate had in store for him.

"I really want to get into music," said the lowlife, despite not knowing how to play an instrument or having ever shown any degree of musical aptitude. "My boy Ty[ler Howard] has a spot at Barsuk Records, so I'm hoping he'll hook me up. I feel like I'm gonna get into producing." Howard is currently employed in a janitorial capacity with Barusk, and is slated to be dismissed for repeatedly showing up to work high.

Following his departure from the world of academia, Mitchell said he "just chilled" for a few years, apparently a euphemism for smoking marijuana in his parents' basement and getting two DUI citations in an eight-month period. Shortly after being forced to vacate his parents' residence in 2006, he was able to secure a job at PetCo for a period of 16 weeks, which Mitchell would not elaborate on except to say that it "sucked." Mitchell was evasive about the following two years, during which it is believed he slept at a friend's apartment, but was ejected for refusing to help pay rent or get a job.

"Everywhere I go, people are just too uptight: parents, teachers, bosses, whatever. I really need to find some chill-out people and get down to doing some real stuff. I mean, you don't really expect me to work at this dump forever, do you?" a question reporters were hesitant to respond to.

"There's so much more for me out there," he concluded. "If the economic situation weren't so fucked right now, I'd be out of here like blinking."

Mitchell's manager informed reporters that should the young man show up late one more time, he will be fired on the spot.

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