Written by susan allen-rosario
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Topics: School, Crime

Tuesday, 14 June 2005

image for Toys "R" Us Develops "Kiddie" Arrest Kit
"There's been a drastic increase in pre-school crime."

Toys "R" Us, national toy store chain, announced today that they have developed a "Kiddie" arrest kit to use with juvenile offenders. Reviewing the increase in grade school and sometimes, even pre-school crime, toy developers saw the need for age appropriate arrest equipment.

"The press has been full of news stories where five-year olds are being lead away in handcuffs. So we have created a ‘kit' to help law enforcement with this problem. The kit includes smaller, more comfortable plastic handcuffs in bright colors, packets of candy to encourage children to ‘confess' to their crimes during interrogation, and they have also developed a time-out chair that shocks the little nippers, if they act out in school."

Toys "R" Us representatives also said that they have had so many orders for their new "kits" that they cannot keep up with the demand.

Child psychologists are baffled by the drastic increase in what they call "kiddie crimes".
"We studied two six-year old offenders that were planning to rob the school supply closet. Diagrams were found in their desks that detailed the crime, including floor plans, made to scale, and an itinerary of the closets usage and electronic lock systems. They also had a list of items they wished to secure during the robbery, 10 pink pencil erasers, 6 three-ring binders and school glue," (the wintergreen flavored kind.)

The police were tipped off about the plan by a first-grader who was angry with the pair. "The young man was eager to ‘rat' on the boys after they ganged up on him during dodgeball. When dodgeball goes sour, anything can happen. This is one more reason ‘why' they should ban dodgeball from school. It encourages bullies to beat up on wimpy ugly kids." (It was reported by police that the child informant was one homely kid.)

Teachers interviewed, are seemly unable to explain why today's children are heading for a life of crime, at such an early age. "Frankly, I blame Barney," one teacher said. "I have been telling parents for years… that purple varmint is having an adverse affect on your children. Now maybe they'll believe me."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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