Sturgeon Bay - The peace and quiet of this small tourist city was shattered this morning when a group of radical squirrels with ties to El Kayda launched a suicide attack against a power substation on the city's west side, plunging half the city into chaos.
"We were literally shaken out of bed by a loud BANG!" said nearby resident Edna Snodgrass. "This is the fourth time this year they've hit the transformers! Why aren't the police or homeland security DOING something about it?"
Convenience stores and gas stations were severely impacted by the attack, with pumps, cash registers, and even coffee machines disabled. "We actually had to have a cop in riot gear posted outside to keep the peace." said Karen Binks, cashier at Pump-N-Go. "The tourists were getting really hostile when they found out they couldn't buy their Cappuccino"
City police services were stretched nearly to the breaking point, directing traffic and standing guard over the various bakeries and coffee shops to prevent looting.
The remaining suspects are still at large. Anyone with information is asked to contact SBPD.