Dover, DE (BNSE): Justice Department investigators confirmed today they are considering possible fines and other penalties against several of the United States' largest financial institutions for the murders of hundreds of homeowners delinquent in their mortgage payments.
The Justice Department responded to complaints from families of recent murder victims claiming to receive billing statements from the deceased's mortgage companies demanding payment for "ammunition services," "break-in and terrorizing administrative charges," and "blood removal and dry cleaning fees," among other charges related to "Mortgage Remediation Services."
According to a Justice Department spokesman, "The Department is taking these accusations very seriously. While the laws regulating just how aggressive lending companies can act in their efforts to collect a dept are very broad, the actual legality of physically killing individuals behind on their payments is rather vague. Congress and the Courts have consistently ruled that large financial institutions can do whatever they want whenever they want, but, the authority to just kill people for very little reason is a power normally reserved to the federal government."
Officials for several of the largest banks were quick to defend the policy. "Banks have a right and obligation to protect their assets and manage them in a way to yield the highest profitability," said one well known CEO. "The simple fact is there are some people out there who are not prepared for home ownership and its responsibilities. Some of these people were two, even three days late on their payments. What are we supposed to do? Wait around to Thursday, even Friday, so these deadbeats can meet their obligations?
"Government regulation is making it nearly impossible for lending institutions to maximize their investments. It's hard to believe, but in almost every state now, you actually have to prove that your bank owns the property your trying to repossess. Until recently that was an easy problem to fix, but thanks to the liberal media, Courts are actually requiring that any legal documents you produce must be real. This is insane! How are we supposed to make any money when we have to prove that it is actually owed to us? A simple foreclosure that used to take just a few days will now take months, even years to complete. When you look at the facts you can plainly see that the only legal solution available to us is to just hire some guys to go in and kill everyone who lives in a house. When the home owner is dead, the foreclosure process speeds up drastically which enables us to bring the returns our investors have come to expect."
A local branch manager for a large mortgage company also voiced support for the policy, "Everyone likes to make the people we kill out to be victims. Trust me, they're not. Every time we break into a house late at night we offer to let the family live if they can give us the entire amount owed on their mortgage to us in cash. Hell, if they'd do that we'd probably let them off easy with a few rapes and castrations of all the males. But, no... There has not been a single family who has chosen to work with us. They'd rather die than pull two hundred G's out from under the bed. That really shows you just how serious they are about paying their bills."
Congressional leaders expressed concern over the Justice investigation. "I'm not saying the banks don't deserve a good slap on the wrists for this," said a high ranking Republican. "But, we have to be cautious that we do not overreact to this situation and actually hurt the already fragile financial system. A reasonable fine, a few promises to reform their policies at an unidentified point in the future should be more than adequate in addressing this issue. Particularly when you consider how even handed the banks have been in the execution of this policy. Statistics show that over 85% if the murdered families have been ethnic minorities. A few hundred dead blacks and Hispanics? That's like a weekend in Detroit. They don't vote for us anyway. Seriously, a few hundred people die every day in America chocking on chicken bones. I don't see anyone running around trying to sue chickens."