Written by Kenneth Manboobs
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Friday, 10 June 2005

Cedar Rapid, IA - After weeks of testimony and hours of deliberation the verdict is finally in. Art Jackson is a badass!

That's right, Cedar Rapid's own Arthur Jackson, a 1994 graduate of Central High School, was just given the key to eastern Iowa's hippest nightspot, The Pink Panther. The honor comes with a thirty dollar gift certificate to Roaster's Ribs and a spot on the judging panel for the upcoming Miss Iowa Hawaiian Tropic contest.

"Art has been coming in here with a handful of babes at a time for more than ten years now," says club owner Ricky "Rick" Jameson. "The guy is a legend." And when he's not patrolling Cedar Rapid's trendy downtown district Jackson loves hanging out with local celebrities such as KCRG news anchor Beth Malicki. Jackson insist though they the two are "just friends".

Longtime Jackson family friend Danny Neunan recalled a "classic" Art episode, "We went down to Cancun in '98 and Art hooked up with like seven girls in one night at La Boom. I'm telling you this guy is insane! Even the Mexican bartenders were impressed."

For his part Art Jackson downplays his success. "I'm just a normal guy," says the soon-to-be 30 year-old.

As for the rumor that Jackson is ready to settle down and start a family, it appears that it is just that - a rumor. "I've thought about it a time or two, but I'm waiting for that special lady. My soulmate." He then added, "Besides, this Iowa soil is still rich for plowing, if you get my drift."

This part-time farmer, part time mover and shaker plans to keep on keepin' on for the time being. Recently Jackson signed up for a 12 month membership in one of Cedar Rapid's nicest fitness centers. "I know that there are some guys out there trying to pick me off," he laughs while preprogramming his iPod. "Let them try. You've got to get up pretty early in the morning to get one over on this Iowa boy. Or is it Iowan? Say Ricky, what is the proper term for a person from Iowa?"

Still, after all of the accolades have faded and the last beat echo has ceased at The Pink Panther, there is one thing that drives Art day after day. "Paige Davis," he says as if he were reciting part of a mystic code. "Yes, the Trading Spaces star. Call me crazy but man if I could get me a piece of that I'd hang it up."

His weak spot for over-exposed fix it show hosts now exposed Jackson rubs his new, big key and wonders "what if."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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