Reports surfaced late today--and then were quickly squelched--that President Obama had signed "Executive Order 666" declaring that "Every person in the world is now officially a US citizen, with all the rights, privileges and entitlements which go along with that, including state mandated health care, food stamps, social security, the whole ball of wax."
"Not true" Officials reiterated over and over. "This is nonsense, just another moronic Internet rumor" they insisted. Others claim there is more going on than meets the eye.
One woman, who insisted on anonymity as she fears for her life, said "I know this guy who is a reporter that covers Washington for a major publication. He told me that he heard a rumor about an executive order, that it had something to do with immigration reform...he went to check on it, and he accidentally overheard a private presidential conversation."
According to the female witness, this man heard President Obama arguing with someone, complaining in a loud voice:
"I'm tired of this bull-shit! You Illuminati puppet-masters pulling my strings, telling me what to do...first you make me send more troops overseas, then you make me give almost a trillion dollars to your buddies on Wall Street, and sell that as an economic stimulus!
"Make me mandate universal health care and extend the Bush tax cuts for the rich--all while we're running up a 1.3 trillion dollar annual debt bill?? Man, no one is buyin' it! I've had it!!
"You want me to be the fall-guy, take the blame for destroying the economy so bad, people will be so confused and desperate enough to accept anything...well I've just accelerated your agenda, and declared everyone a US citizen!"
The witness explained that a friend of hers was due to write a story for his publisher about it, but he has since disappeared.
"I went looking for him," she explained, "and all these guys in black suits kept telling there was no such person...a different family is living in his house...his boss and all his other friends look at me strange when I ask about him...I'm not crazy, he did exist!"