(October 15, 2010 -- Palo Alto, CA) …Amidst a rampant increase in reports focused on America's bullying problem, the social networking powerhouse decided to unveil a revolutionary new feature that Facebook claims will revolutionize an industry in desperate need of revolutioninization. Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, who recently followed up his $100 million donation to public schools, which had absolutely nothing to do with his negative portrayal in the #1 film in America, by kissing every puppy within a 250 ft radius, was notably elated about the announcement.
"First of all, I wanted to ask how everybody is doing? I hope you're all doing super great, because I'm actually a nice guy, would someone that's not a nice guy ask how your day was? Dude, it totally looks like everyone in here lost 5lbs, have you been working out or is it just natural beauty? You guys still like me right?"
Following the young CEO's metaphorical blow job, he finally revealed the new feature:
"Ladies and Gentleman, I am proud to announce that beginning tomorrow, Facebook will now offer our mind slaves, er, greatly appreciated users, the opportunity to 'Dislike' status updates, comments, photos and all of the other meaningless bullshit that's severely deterring your career and school work."
The announcement was met with an electric atmosphere that did not calm until Zuckerberg exited the stage. He later noted that he did not "dislike" the applause and would "share" this experience with his "friends" the next time they asked "What's on your mind?" Following Zuckberg, two unidentified Facebook employees (most likely the people who actually invented Facebook) gave a visual presentation of the new feature. The display was met with silent awe from an audience witnessing just how easy it would be to annihilate their friends and families last shred of self confidence. Greg Johnson, author (we're using that term loosely) of a popular social media blog was ecstatic:
"Quite frankly, I'm ecstatic."
Many others were singing the same tune:
"I can't believe its finally happening. Ever since I began using Facebook I've dreamed of a day when I would be able to honestly express my feelings. Gone are the days when I bite my tongue while reading my co-workers nonsensical political views, never again will I sit on my hands as 22 of my friends talk about wishing on airplanes, at long last I can subtlety tell my friends that I fucking hate almost everything about them."
However praise wasn't universal, MySpace CEO Tom Anderson, best known for his work as the person who allowed one of the nation's most successful companies to be destroyed by glittery backgrounds, thinks the new feature is a misstep:
"Mark my words, as somebody who knows a little something about egregiously terrible decisions, this is not the right move. Allowing people to have more options only leads to problems, yeah, it seems like such a good idea at the time, give the people what they want and they'll be happy right? Wrong, 6 million moving profile pictures later I can testify against that notion."
Anderson spoke more extensively about the subject, unfortunately his words were drowned out by god awful pop music that automatically started playing when someone accidentally clicked on MySpace.
As the day went on, more critics warned Facebook about their new features potential problems. Perhaps the most vocal critic was acclaimed talk show host and America's favorite teenage boy, Ellen Degenres, who put the controversial move into perspective:
"One of our countries most prominent problems is bullying. The escalation in hatred being spread throughout our youth is remarkable and I find it troubling that a company with such an extensive influence would introduce something that will assist this behavior. Of course people are crazy, of course people post boring narcissistic material around the clock, of course people are really stupid, I mean I've received 6 tweets about eating carpet since I started speaking, but that doesn't mean we should allow people to strategically distribute hate. For instance, if a homosexual teen is already dealing with antagonizing peers, how do we expect them not to kill themselves when their status about "Macy's 13 Hour Sale" is disliked by 432 of their friends?"
While everybody admitted that Ellen made a great point and had an admirable vision of solving the bullying problem, nobody was able to get over how terrible she was on "American Idol."
The "hot button issue," no pun intended, reached a level of controversy so intense that White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs fielded multiple questions about the unprecedented new feature"
"Really? I've already had to deal with questions about our presidents religion, citizenship, ideology and sexual preference, can I get a break from this nonsense for one day? Look, Facebook is an extremely profitable private company that creates a lot of jobs and helps our economy, so I thought it would have been obvious that President Obama will do everything in his power to destroy this business and redistribute their assets to drug addicted welfare recipients who don't pay taxes."