An aspiring female golfer has her panties in an uproar and is suing the LGPA for not letting her try out for the tour all because she dumped her bag & putter!
Lana Lawless (sic) (not making this up), a former MALE SWAT team member under went transgender surgery which she says, now qualifies her to be a member of the LPGA TWAT Tour, especially since she won the Ladies Long Drive (LDA) Championship in 2008!
Both the Ladies Golf Professional Association, and the LDA have since changed their bylaws stating that all members MUST have been BORN a woman in order to be considered eligible for membership.
"Lana", who used to be known as "Spike" when busting in doors in LA with the PD, and later as "Ball Crusher" during a brief stint in Cage Fighting, moved into the female world after what she described was a 'drunken, out of control, wild Thailand vacation weekend in Pattaya where I woke up one morning and found I was a real C*****!"
Despite the shock, Lana says she has no regrets.
"Things are a lot better now. I no longer have to take out the garbage, mow the lawn, pump my own gas or even open a door....and best of all, I no longer have to pay for dates! It's quite an eye opener...I wish I had the operation a long time ago, I'd be a F******g rich BITCH by now FOR SURE!"
Lana says she's really into shopping for golf attire now, and leans towards Plaids and Madras, and fancies the same short skirts as Michelle Wie, "Although it took me a while to master the art of keeping my legs together when I bend down to line up a putt," she said demurely.
Lana also says she loved moving up to the lady's tees. "I usually hit my Driver about 289-305...I love it, I probably only use my 9 thru wedge on most of the holes, and just need my 7 iron for the second shot on most par 5's...golf is really, really fun again!"
While she petitions the Golfing groups for membership through legal appeals, Lana is busy marketing herself and trying to secure endorsements to support her new life style.
Her newest gimmicks are bumper stickers selling well in San Francisco:
"Linda Lawless, now a Crack Golfer Denied by LPGA....WHY?"
"Linda Lawless, World's First Virtual Golfer; No Bag, No Balls, No Putter!"
In the meantime, Lana's agent, Mortimer 'Putz' Guggenheimer, said his phone is ringing off the hook with offers of photo shoots, reality shows, and guest spots with talk show hosts.
"Why just minutes ago I got off the phone with Eliot Spitzer who's just DYING to have Lana on his show TONIGHT! I mean the girl is HOT....who's was it said you had to have balls to get a head in this bizness?"
Appearing on CNN the Kathleen Parker/Eliot Spitzer debut show had 331 viewers in prime time and has been universally panned by critics as well as Spitzer's former Madame who was quoted as saying, " he's as dull on TV as he was in the bedroom......!"
Reports out today said the hosts are having trouble getting anyone to
appear on the show, with even "The Situation" shunning the program after being booted from Dancing with the Stars last night.
Said one TV critic, "Everyone really hates a funeral....now a wake, that's cool, because at least the Irish know how to throw a real drunk! I'll drink to the postmortem!"