Americans all over America rejoice! The controversy surrounding plans to build a huge mosque on the former World Trade Centre site have been settled.
They're going to build a MacDonalds there instead.
Fans of the fast food restaurant (everyone except for North Koreans and Vegetarians) are looking forward to enjoying their Big Macs in the Biggest Ever Store.
Coupled with protection by the British Trident System and you have the recipe for success.
Our writer got in touch with Shaun Clarke, an American with style. He was delighted that MacDonalds was opening as "more people worship it. The bagels will be like Communion all over again!"
Many Americans were said to be pissed off due to Terror issues. French politician Nicolas Sarkozy seems to have the answer to this issue:
"We get a big box and put them on Amazon see?" he laughed, before seeing past my fake moustache and glasses.