A doctoral dissertation funded by the Federal Government as part of the Stimulus Package has discovered that men like women's breasts.
Dr. Howard Dickwillie of the Nowhere Institute of Technology and Fertilizer Sciences, in an eighteen month study, found out that members of the male gender show interest in the mammary glands of human females. Further, his research discovered that the larger the organs, the higher the fascination and cureousity levels expressed by the males.
When asked to boil down his research to one simple sentence, Dickwillie pointed to the title of his doctoral dissertation and said "It's all there on the top line: Men Love Titties."
Dickwillie was also questioned on why he chose this as the topic of his doctoral dissertation. He responded by saying that "if someone from the gov'ment offered to give you money to look at the boobs of young, hot coeds on campus for a year and a half and write a paper on them, would you turn down the money? Besides, tits are a stimulus all by their own selves."
As part of his research, Dickwillie frequented local bars, night clubs, sporting events ("they bounce really good when female fans get excited and jump up and down"), and movies. He also screened copies of several "Girls Gone Wild" videos for male friends to gage their reactions. "That wasn't too successful since I was usually looking at the boobies and not at my buddys."
When told of the study, members of the media at FoxNews, which is generally quick to react to any wasteful spending by the government, were slow to respond. They asked the new PhD to send copies of his dissertation and his research so that they could make "a well researched and informed statement about this situation."
Liberal MSNBC correspondent and admitted lesbian Rachel Maddow said "hey, what about me! I like a nice set of knockers too! This research is incomplete."