The recent release of "Star Wars; Revenge of the Sith" has been met with much protest by Republicans who see this as an attack on President Bush and the war in Iraq. In an interview conducted yesterday by 60 Minutes correspondent Mike Wallace, President Bush surprised the reporter by stretching these allegations to cover the entire Star Wars pantheon of films. Excerpts from that interview are quoted here. All "Bush-isms" have been left in place rather than provide grammatical accuracy.
(After the preliminary exchange of pleasantries and greeting, Mike Wallace went straight to the questions.)
Wallace: Mr. President, how do you feel about the recent reports that the new Star Wars film, produced and written by George Lucas, opposes the war in Iraq and your presidency? Some Republicans feel you are likened by Lucas to both the Emperor and Darth Vader.
Bush: I'm upset about these reports.
Wallace: I thought you would be. As an investigative reporter, I thought that the stories and accusations were a little far reaching and ridiculous.
Bush: You misunderstanded me, Mike. I don't think the reports dug deep enough. I've had my Chief of Staff looking into all of the Star Wars films and we think that George Lucas has always been oppositioned to this administration.
Wallace: Always? I believe that Star Wars was released in mid-70's. Your father was not even the vice president at that time. Your daughters were not even born. Most Americans could not have found Iraq on a map. How can that film be opposed to your presidency and the Iraq war? Can you give us an example from, say, the first movie?
Bush: This film is actually the worstest one of the bunch. First off, let's look at the subtitle. They call it "A New Hope." That's the new name they say they gave Star Wars when they started making sequels, but we discovered the real truth. Now, we all know that President Clinton was born and raised in Hope, Arkansas. I can remember that because we used to call him "The Dope from Hope." I think that this title is a reference to former Vice President Gore, my opponent in my first election, being the new hope, or the new Clinton.
Wallace: Really, Mr. President, isn't that stretching it just a little?
Bush: If it was just that title and just that one film, I would not be upset. That isn't all we found wrong with that movie. Remember the big shaggy guy Chewbacca? The robots were told in a funny board game to "let the Wookie win." Remember the Vice President's beard? Was I also supposed to give up in Florida and let the fuzzy guy steal the election from me? What about the dessert planet that the robots crash on? They are taken into slavery and moved through the dessert in big, giant tanks. Then, on the same planet, the good guys are attacked by Sand People in robes. It's all references to the Iraqi dessert. Luke, the good guy who represents the honest, hard working, American middle class, has to be saved by a bearded Obi Wan Kenobi. Kenobi and Kerry both start with "K-E." Kenobi has a beard like Gore. Lucas is trying to send a message that the Democratic party is the one that will save the people from the war in the dessert. Look at the little robot they have in that movie. R2D2 is a subtle hint to vote for the opposition. There are two R's in Gore/Leiberman and none in Bush/Cheney. There are also two D's in Kerry/Edwards and none in Bush/Cheney. This little robot is always saving the day, trying to make people think that if they voted for my opponents, they would be saving the day.
Wallace: I see?. Well, what could you possibly find wrong in the next film. I believe the title was "The Empire Strikes Back." This movie starts out on an ice planet, moves to a jungle planet, and ends up in a cloud city. What can this possibly have to do with a war in the dessert?
Bush: Lucas uses the title in a subtle way on this one. Remember when I ran the Texas Rangers baseball team? The term "strike" is supposed to be a reference to me. He also must think that I am trying to build an American Empire. He also is pulling up the old accusational that the Iraqi war is just me striking back at Sadaam for his threats against my father. I think that you can see this in the scene where Darth Vader reveals that he is Luke's father. He wants the American people to join him in his evil ways, insinuationing that I have joined my father in his ways by being the second Bush to begin a war in the middle east. The resistance, or freedom fighters, are attacked on the ice planet by the "Empire." This is another slap in my face for fighting against the Iraqis who are killing our innocent troops over there.
Wallace: Mr. President, do you really believe this drivel?
Bush: You've got the wrong sport, Mike. Drivel is what you do in basketball and I am talking about baseball here.
Wallace: Uh huh, ?. that is an ? interesting way of looking at things. The last movie of the original trilogy was "Return of the Jedi." What do you and your researchers find wrong in that 80's movie that was released when your father was Vice President?
Bush: Is that the one with the little Teddy Bear guys?
Wallace: They were called "Ewoks."
Bush: Whatever. This is the movie where we find out that the Princess is really Luke's sister, even though he had been chasing after her for the past few movies. Lucas is using this incest insinuation as a personal attack by trying to say that I am inbred. When the cute little Teddy Bear guys make the gold robot their God, they are trying to say that we want the unsophisticated people of the Middle East to worship our technology. When those little guys attack the empire with their sticks and rocks, they are also trying to demonstrate the brute force that we are using against a simple people who do not need rescuing. The wicked and evil emperor is supposed to represent me. The lightening he shoots from his fingers is supposed to represent the way I send my power and people all over the globe.
Wallace: Okay?. I see you've really "thought" that one out. After an almost twenty year hiatus, George Lucas released a new Star Wars movie with "The Phantom Menace." Having listened to your other creative comments, I suppose that you have more to add for this movie?
Bush: I do. One of the characters in the movie has the last name of "Gin." I think this is supposed to be a referencal to my supposed drinking problems when I was younger and maybe the exaggerated partying problems of my daughters. Also, this movie has a teenager as a queen. I think that this supposed to show a young, immature, inexperienced leader at wartime. Some people think that I am too young or inexperienced for this job.
Wallace: Do you also think that Jar Jar Binks, a bumbling, stupid fool who is always getting lucky, and is the most universally hated character in the whole series, is supposed to symbolize you?
Bush: Why do you think Jar Jar is stupid? I like that funny character; he's one of my favorites.
Wallace: You would. (pause) The next movie was called "Attack of the Clones." Why don't you go ahead and tell me about that film.
Bush: We had a private screening of that film in the White House. Laura watched it with me and made us popcorn. Mine did not have enough butter or salt, so I had to send one of the Secret Service guys down to the kitchens. The twins were there and we were all in our jammies. We had a food fight with the Jujubes and then we all ganged up and threw them at Dick Cheney because he didn't want to play.
Wallace: Please tell me your thoughts on the movie, Mr. President, not about the night that you saw it. What problems do Republicans have with this film?
Bush: There was a lot of political stuff in this one, so it was kind of hard to understand. Anakin loses his hand in a fight, which is Lucas's way of saying that I lost control of the war. All of the fake blood in the film will make people think of Heinz ketchup, which make people think of Senator Kerry, my opponent in the last election. I also thought that Jar Jar should have had a bigger part.
Wallace: Are there any other George Lucas movies that you have a problem with, other than the six Star Wars films?
Bush: Well, he also made American Graffiti and THX-1138. American Graffiti tries to tell us about the "wonderful" days of the early 60's when the Democrats controlled the White House for eight years. The movie tries to make us nostalgical for those pre-Vietnam war days. They are trying to make us remember the peace that was here when Clinton was in the White House. It also has Opie in it, which makes you want to whistle the Andy Griffith show theme instead of some patriotic American song. Harrison Ford is in it too, and he went on to play Han Solo, so this film has to be bad. When you get to the end and they tell you what happened to all of the characters, I think one of them dies in Vietnam. Lucas is saying that our soldiers are dying in another useless war.
Wallace: And what about THX 1138?
Bush: The other movie really doesn't matter, because it was really weird and maybe only 50 people who have not been to a science fiction conventions have ever seen it (and we all know that the SciFi convention types are too nerdish to vote anyway because people like Paul Simon never got the Democratic nomination).
Wallace: So, Mr. President, just exactly why do you think that George Lucas, one of Hollywood's richest men and most successful filmmakers, has had this "personal vendetta" against your family for the past thirty years?
Bush: I think that he is just jealous that I am a more famous George than he is and my ranch in Texas is bigger..
(At this point, Reporter Mike Wallace muttered something about being unable to listen to the stupidity any longer, removed a finger nail file from his pocket and attempted to stab himself in the ears. Secret Service agents had to shoot him to prevent him from completing this action. A retrospective of his career with 60 minutes and CBS will air immediately after coverage of his funeral.
Excerpts from this interview are scheduled to be shown Sunday on "60 Minutes" with the disclaimer that they are not part of a Saturday Night Live or MADD TV sketch.)