Written by Jehu
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Topics: scandal, Watergate

Wednesday, 1 June 2005

image for Deep Throat Comes Forward, Laments Pseudonym
You know what they say about big glasses...

Former FBI Deputy Director Mark Felt revealed to a stunned world Tuesday that he was in fact "Deep Throat," the infamous informant who played a crucial role in bringing down the Nixon administration in 1974 in the wake of the Watergate scandal. Felt said he kept the secret for over 30 years not because of guilt or fear of reprisal, but out of shame for his poorly chosen and lewd-sounding moniker.

"I really don't know what the hell I was thinking," Felt said at a press conference this morning. "I was in a hurry, and a little nervous, and when that damned pipsqueak reporter asked who I was I just said the first thing that popped into my head. I could have called myself anything. Anything! ‘Mr. Anonymous', or ‘The Informer' or, for God's sake, something respectable. Well, I'm paying for it now."

Felt went on to relate that he did not realize his folly until after relating the details of the meeting to his wife, at which point she began to giggle uncontrollably. "After that," he raged, "every halfwit piece of human driftwood out there suddenly became a stand-up comedian. I don't think the morons even know what they were laughing at. Nobody cared that I risked my reputation, my job, and my neck to bring down a corrupt administration. They just wanted a cheap laugh. Anyway, everyone knows the pun is the lowest form of humor."

But Felt was not the only one who feared discovery of his true identity. Even after he had come to terms with his momentary lapse in judgment, his family begged him to keep his secret. Felt's daughter implored her father to think of the ridicule that awaited them at work, and in public. "I wouldn't be able to buy a cucumber at the market for the rest of my life," she said. Felt's grandson even told him that, while he appreciated the former FBI agent's contribution to society, he would "vote that guy [Patrick] Buchanan for president" if Felt ever claimed responsibility for his whistle blowing.

This evening, sitting on the porch of his California home, Mark Felt looks relaxed, and says he has accepted the way events unfolded, for better or for worse. "I don't regret what I did, just my stupidity in choosing an alias. And I did take that puffy-cheeked bastard down, in the end. You hear me down there, Nixon? Anyway, I'm old now. I don't care what names they call that ungrateful family of mine, and as for me, those late night talk show guys know I still have enough connections to get their identities erased if they step over the line."

Felt plans to release his memoirs, entitled Gagging on Shame: Life After Deep Throat early next year.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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