Written by Felix Minderbinder
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Topics: George W. Bush, Iraq

Wednesday, 1 June 2005

image for George Bush Embraces Sith and Dark Side of the Force
Darth Bush dons helmet as he adopts the Dark Side

WASHINGTON, DC--United States President George W. Bush has embraced the Sith and the Dark Side of the Force, saying that it's "no more Mr. Nice Guy" in the ongoing fight against insurgents in Iraq.

At a poorly attended news conference at the Pentagon, the American president said he was "deeply frustrated" that the war in Iraq was going so poorly, and that the Dark Side seemed to be the only way to win the illegal war and to grab the oil of the Islamic nation.

"Master Yoda and the rest of the Jedi Knights told me not to do it, but the Dark Side is just too irresistible," admitted the Republican President. "It's also a lot of fun," he added, as he donned a Darth Vader Helmet and brandished a newly developed light saber about the press room, accidentally cutting a desk in two.

The president also announced that the Pentagon will immediately issue contracts for the construction of a Death Star, and that all US Air Force officers will cease their Jedi Knight training and also switch over to the Dark Side. Congressional Democrats had nothing to say to these earth-shaking developments.

"I'm in contact with the Sith and together, we will wreak vengeance on the enemies of Big Oil," Bush promised. "If those enemies include Jedi Knights, then that is the way it must be." He also insisted that he now be addressed as Darth Bush.

One nervous reporter questioned the plans for the Death Star, and asked whether its construction would add to the United States budget deficit and total debt.

"It may," said Bush, "but that's a small price to pay to stamp out the Jedi traitors and their Islamic allies. Our version of democratization means delivering consumers to US corporations, and that's what I was elected to do. The Death Star and the Dark Side of the Force will allow us to increase our noble efforts."

Another reporter asked whether the Dark Side was environmentally acceptable and sustainable as a philosophy and policy.

To that question, the president just laughed.

The European Union, Russia, China and many other nations were unanimous in condemning the American plan to embrace the Dark Side of the Force and the Sith Lords, and warned that they were planning to raise trade barriers against US exports in protest.

Upon hearing the threats to the Jedi from the American President, Yoda and a handful of loyal Jedi Knights fled to Switzerland where they were promptly granted asylum and contingent citizenship.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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