Written by Creepy McSordid
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Topics: New York, Violence

Tuesday, 31 May 2005

BROOKLYN, New York -- An angry tug-of-war over a rubber ball ended in tragedy yesterday when a 9-year-old Brooklyn girl fatally stabbed her 11-year-old friend.
"She kept hitting me. I told her to stop," the 9-year-old calmly told investigators, sources said. "She wouldn't leave me alone, so I went into the kitchen and picked up the knife, and I stabbed her."

Many people have already jumped to the conclusion this type of violence is promulgated by television programs which promote aggressive behavior toward others and also by video games which depict horribly graphic scenarios including dismemberment and death. "What do you expect when you have television shows which broadcast violent behavior and people shooting each other as the answer to a problem?" asked Ms. Donatta Lubner of Schenectady, New York, in response to the stabbing incident. "Television and video games plus rock music are the problem in today's society" stated Mrs. Lubner as she summarized her view of this horrible situation.

Mr. Ernie LaMotta who is current Chairman of "Intelligent Citizens Against Quick Spineless Answers to Difficult Cultural Problems" (ICAQSADCP) replied to this assertion by saying, "I think blaming television for violence and other cultural transgressions is an easy way of finding a useless answer to explain a difficult series of circumstances which led to a tragic end". Mr. LaMotta also supported his point by rhetorically asking, "So, how did 1963 television influence the assassination of one of America's most beloved presidents [Kennedy] when most adults were watching black and white telecasts of Carson on "The Tonight Show"? Also, was John Wilkes Booth actively listening to Marilyn Manson's "Beautiful People" right before he shot and killed President Lincoln? How about someone like Ed Gein; was Mr. Gein playing "Grand Theft Auto: Vice City" when he abducted and flayed women in his Wisconsin barn?"

Several concerned parents voiced strong replies to Mr. LaMotta's supposition that television, music and video games cannot be the common denominator for all of society's problems with violence. "He just doesn't get it. Everyone knows rock music, such as AC/DC and Ozzy Osbourne is dangerous to children who are going through difficult emotional problems in their formative years" said Mr. Tom Sheaher of Chicago, Illinois. "Just look at how women are portrayed in music videos or in video games; it is apparent this is where kids get their ideas." Mr. Mike Fannehill of Anaheim, California also noted, "You watch a movie like "Seven" or like "Saw" and see violence and more violence. How are people supposed to act if that is what they see?"

"This is the stuff that gives me headaches and keeps my mail box at ICAQSADCP full everyday" remarked LaMotta. "Why is it no one stops to think about the history of the world and realize human nature is so complex that there are no simple conclusions to draw when senseless violence results in the death of a young person? I was taught in my Philosophy of Logic class in college that, if something is true, it must be universally true under any and all circumstances. Because of this I ask myself why there are horrible wars with children as young as 3 years old slaughtered daily in central African countries which don't have television or video games, for example? I was also taught in kindergarten not to look for people or situations upon which to blame my problems. If I spilled a glass of juice, I went to get paper towels and the teacher's assistance to clean up the mess. I knew at 5 years old my spilling the glass by accident was not a representation of violence against the system instilled in me by playing Space Invaders."

Mr. LaMotta realizes he has an uphill battle with the American ideology that there is a self-evident, deductive answer for every problem. "I can't stomach how much the U.S. has been ‘weenie-fied' in these past 30 years. Why can't we just realize violent behavior will occur under different sets of circumstances and at different intervals and do our best to alleviate the suffering of the victims and the victim's families instead?"

Ernie LaMotta was also recently nominated as president for the recently formed group known as "Grow Up Everyone and Get a Grip on the Larger Picture That is Life" (GUEGGLPTL).

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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