Washington, DC (BNSE): The Westboro Baptist Church, the controversial religious sect best known for protesting the funerals of slain war veterans and their "God Hates Fags" protest signs, announced a startling lawsuit against God in Federal District Court today.
According to Court documents, the Westboro Baptists are seeking "unspecified damages" against "The Lord God, Almighty," for breach of contract under the terms of US Code Title 25, Section 3116. "The Church [Westboro Baptists] acted in good faith, spending thousands of dollars on protest signs, transportation costs, and enduring extreme personal hardship executing their responsibilities under the Law," the Church stated in its briefing. "However, after further revelation, it has become apparent that God does not really mind fags. Furthermore, it has also come to light that He has no particular problem with dead soldiers, Jews, or black people. The Church sees this as a complete abrogation of Leviticus..."
The official spokesperson for the Westboro Baptists refused to comment directly on the case, however, according to a high ranking insider, "He said! He said! He said! Yeah, He said. And, that ain't right."
The Archangel Michael, speaking on behalf of God, said the Almighty "Never has, and never will have any connection with the Westboro Baptist Church." "The Lord seems to have been doing pretty well with the Universe up until now, thank you very much," Michael confided. "It has always been the policy of God to reserve judgement of all people to himself individually according to the truth in their souls. He has not, not will He ever base His eternal judgement on some overly legalistic and hateful misinterpretation of His word. He's always running around saying, 'Judge not, lest you be judged,' and 'Judgment is mine.' The Westboro Baptists might want to read up on that section of the Bible a bit. As soon as the Lord needs any help in the execution of these duties, the Westboro Baptists will be the first to know. Until that time, they would better spend their time sorting out the unusual relationships certain family members within the Church have with each other. Ooops! I let that slip!"
"Oset-clay, omosexuals-hay," said the Archangel Gabriel in an unguarded moment. "If you want to know what the Westboro Baptists are really interested in, all you have to do is check out Uranus, hahahahaha. Bet they got a LOT of telescopes laying around!"
Gabriel continued by stating that the Federal lawsuit points out the need for further clarification of God's Law, "You know, the Ten Commandments are great, but, in all reality, how much ass coveting is going on now-a-days? I always thought one of the Commandments should have been 'Thou Shalt not be a Complete and Total Jerk Off,"' but God always said it was implied. I still don't know about that. Seems to me if that was a Commandment then you pretty much wouldn't need any of the others. Save a lot a time. Sure, everyone knows you shouldn't go around stealing and killing people, but jerk offs... Damn, they're everywhere."
A noted Christian Fundamentalist theologian expressed hope the current lawsuit would "Get God's butt in gear," and force him to start "Doin' some damnin'" "God's taking the entire Christian Fundamentalist movement for granted, I think," the theologian explained. "Just the other day He came into my life and hid my hammer just when I needed it, And, all those missing socks... It ain't the Rapture. I got in that dryer for twenty minutes and all I got was banged up. He better watch his step or we'll go somewhere else. Yeah, that's right. We could start worshipping Satan and nobody'd notice a difference."
Legal counsel for the Westboro Baptists declined to explain the methods used to determine God's opinions on homosexuality. "They's got POWERS," the lawyers assured.