Washington DC, Saturday 28 May - (Rioters) Newly discovered archive documents at the Department for Homeland Insecurity show that for years and years the Justice Department has hidden the criminal records of George W Bush and his runt half-brother Tony Blair in a quid-pro-quo arrangement with the Vatican and the Israeli security service Mossad.
The startling revelations also allege that the two were recruited shortly after the Dallas assasination of JFK and trained initially at the Fidel Castro Grooming Academy for LyingCheatingBastards in Havana.
The findings go on to allege that all the world's worst financial scandals, bankruptcies and instances of mass political corruption since the year dot were systematically masterminded, executed and whitewashed over by these two KGB supremos, who operated under the covers of gross personal stupidity counterbalanced by boyish charm and a propensity towards messianic superstition.
However, following the recent death of their uncle and mentor Carol Wojtyla - aka as God's Banker's Pope - all is not well in this cosy fraternity, as the FBI and CIA closes in on the trail of the missing $$$$$$$$$$s billions from the Iraq Oil-for-Fraud programme that bankrolled the halfwits into office and financed a charm offensive that made normally sane, rational Russians fall in love with Valdimir "Mad Vlad" Putain.
More serious recent developments in Santa MonicaLeiwinsky, California at the Wacko Jacko sex abuse trial have led to impromptu jitters at No 10 Downing Street and the White House.
The news that the Poodle Brothers' No1 cloak and dagger man at the UN Jeff Gannon may be the sperm donor biological father of Wacko's children has resulted in a flurry of diplomatic activity culminating in Poodle's hurried trip to Rome yesterday, to plead with the newly elected pope Papa Ratzi for globally-recognised miracle to get them off the hook.: "Anything seismic in the Southern Pacific atolls would be acceptable, alternatively plagues of locusts descending on the UK Conservative Party HQ would also be appropriate."
As we go to press tonight, Poodle is finalising the final draft of a global address he is planning to broadcast in the event that Wacko is found guilty. A parallel speech has also been hurriedly cobbled together in the event that the verdict of not guilty is reached.
Meanwhile back at MI6 HQ in Vauxhall Cross, ghost hunters have been called in following reports of spontaneous combusion of the spooks' ECHELON-linked supercomputers by a blurred spectral vision described by one witness as "an incarnation of Robert Maxwell wielding a blowtorch and machete".
No comment was available tonight from Baroness Thatcher whose think tank advisors recently contacted private medical practitioners and enquired on the UK availability of the Clifford Baxter euthanasia pill....