WASHINGTON, DC (AP)-The nation has been rocked by the revelation that the notorious Bert has been a secret minister in the Administration of US President George W. Bush ever since the election of 2000, and the Sesame Street creature has been responsible for the more controversial policies of the presidency.
A sobbing Vice President Dick Cheney made the disjointed admissions on an untelevised edition of MSNBC's "Meet the Press," where he showed documents and photos backing up the disclosures.
"He made us do it!" blurted the Vice President. "It was Bert! He arranged for 911 to happen. He made us bomb Afghanistan to get access to Central Asian oil! Then he ordered us to invade and occupy Iraq to grab their oil reserves, even though he knew all along Saddam had no weapons of mass destruction or links to terrorism! The entire ‘War on Terror' thing is just a ruse for Bert to take control over the world's oil! Now he wants us to wage war against Iran to grab their oil too, and take on China. I just can't take it anymore. Bert wants to control the entire planet!"
After he calmed down, Cheney recalled how Bert had approached his office in 2000 early in the presidential election campaign, and promised to make the Bush presidency the best in American history. Bert had also warned that the election race would be close, but he assured Cheney that he had friends in Florida and on the Supreme Court that would swing the election to a Republican win. He did the same thing in the re-election by fixing the voting machines in Ohio.
"It was an offer that was too good to be true," confessed Cheney. "I guess he took us up onto the High Mountain and promised us the kingdoms of the world. And we fell for it. Bert's been a secret Minister in the Bush Cabinet all along, and still he cruises into the White House most days in that black stretch limousine of his. It's even bigger than my car. And he has some evil friends down in Argentina, too."
"He made the United States army do unspeakable things in Iraq," the vice president continued after gulping a glass of water. "Bert has total influence over every aspect of this Administration. Now Bert has ordered us to dismantle Social Security, to destroy the pension plans of American workers. Bert told us to outsource the best American jobs and services to China and India. Bert raised the oil and gas prices, too, and he intends to keep them high. It's all part of his plan for a One World Government which he plans to head. I think he's a Mason and a member of the Illuminati and Opus Dei too."
Despite the immensity of the disclosures, the producers of Meet the Press decided that it was in the best interests of the nation not to broadcast the startling segment with the Cheney-Bert revelations, but copies of the tape have been leaked to reporters. A White House spokesman declined to comment, and Bert's office in the White House did not return calls.
Cheney is now recuperating at a rehab clinic in the Catskills.