The Department of Defense flatly denied any plans yesterday, to use U.S. armed drones in the targeting of washed up politicians and celebrities who continue to demand attention and spin in news cycle, when their day in the sun is clearly over.
Emphatic denial clearly being a confirmation of said plans, insiders at the DOD were scrambling yesterday to plug the news leak, from what was supposed to be a top secret initiative. One geo-mapping specialist whose job it is to plot longitude and latitude positions into the drones came forward to disclose what would be an unprecedented attack on the country's own citizenry. Honoring a commitment to protect his identity and referring to him only as "Deep Nostrils", he forwarded top secret documents to TheSpoof, outlining initial plans to target five people who, in the words of the document, "Just need to shut up and go away".
Deep Nostrils, a moniker clearly assigned because of his monstrous proboscis, produced the list of five initial names including:
Former California Governor Jerry Brown, who seems interested in returning to the governorship only because he was "bored".
Former scandal ridden New York Governor Eliot Spitzer after trying to regain credibility as a cable news program host, while retaining his womanizing "trust me" smile.
Yoko Ono for continuing to prostitute herself and the Plastic (screaming cat) Ono Band in the media by constantly mentioning her dead husband in trade for press coverage.
Jennifer Aniston after being named the most eligible single woman on the face of the planet, while there are really good reasons to explain why she remains single. (Ask, Brad, Vince and John)
Lindsay Lohan's Media Whores or "Parents", who would normally count as two people except when combining their IQ's only gets you one barely functioning adult. Lindsay on the other hand remains an American Asset, acting as the best-ever poster child for sobriety.
Shocked at the news that the government was planning attacks on its own residents, thousands protested the action in front of the White House today. One woman jumped at the chance to defend Ms. Aniston. "Why would they pick on a poor, sweet, lovely, unappreciated, quirky and continuously troubled girl like that", said Edna Tomlinson, 87, from Wichita Falls. Our site reporter commented, "Maybe because that describes every character she has ever played. Ever. Enough already".
Others at the protest seemed more focused on the assumed mortal nature of the secret plan, though Deep Nostrils contends that the plan involved only the dropping of threatening leaflets on the target's home. "Yes, the designers of the drone plan were careful not to use the wrong words in any of their documents, but it's just as easy to drop a rather loud wake up call as it is to drop a ream of paper". Sample leaflets include the words, "SHUT UP ALREADY! Take a hint from Warhol and disappear. We obviously know where you live."
With the ouster of the secret plan, the DOD seemed busy denying the plan's existence while removing any shred of evidence that the drone plan had been formed at all. Deep Nostrils produced a short memo however, indicating that the list of targets continues to develop and grow. "Here's a note suggesting Susan Boyle as a potential target, but only if she comes to the US and attempts a furthering of her career on Dancing with the Stars".
Too late. SuBo's plans to attempt Salsa, on camera, were announced late this morning.