In their last act on Friday before adjourning for the weekend, the United States Senate ratified a bill already passed by the House of Representatives. The new law, called the American Incontinence Act of 2010, now goes to President Obama for his signature before becoming official government policy.
The Act, sometimes called "The Byrd Bill," received bipartisan support from both parties and passed in the Senate by a nearly unanimous 99 to 1 vote. The lone holdout, Democratic Senator Dianne Feinstein of California, was referred to by several colleagues as "a batty old battle ax bitch who couldn't agree how to split a check with her self."
The American Incontinence Act of 2010 will provide free adult diapers to senior citizens unable to control their bladders. The malady, which will soon effect millions of baby boomers as the reach old age, can be embarrassing for the victims and malodorous for those nearby. The bill will not only provide free adult diapers, but also diaper wipes and the green, pine tree shaped air fresheners to hang around sufferer's necks.
$26 billion has been added to the American Reinvestment and Recovery Act (a.k.a. The Stimulus Package) to fund the addition of adult size Koala Changing Stations to restrooms in restaurants, discount stores, churches, and other venues across the country.
The new entitlement program was originally proposed by the late West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd, who passed away earlier this year at the age of 113. It was the last piece of legislation authored by Byrd in his 84 year Congressional career.
As Byrd also suffered from incontinence for the last 36 years of his life, his replacement in the Senate refused to use his seat until the urine saturated cushions had been replaced. "The smells of his colostomy bag have not been missed in the chambers," said colleague John Kerry.
For now, the program will be administered by officials in W.I.C. as they are used to dealing with the distribution of diapers. It is expected, however, that the President will soon create both a new Czar and a Cabinet level post to properly run the program.