Written by Dan Brawner
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Topics: Monkey, Toilet

Wednesday, 8 June 2005

Following deadly riots over Newsweek's later-retracted story about US military guards flushing Qurans down the toilet and reports of prisoner abuse at detention centers in the Middle East and Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, Afghan president Hamid Karzai decided to pick a bone with President Bush this week. It was clear that Karzai was not only tired of being thought of as a puppet of the United States. He was mad.
President Bush puts his feet up on his desk in the Oval Office. "Have a seat, Hammy. Take a load off." Laura Bush sits nearby and gives Karzai a tight smile.
Karzai bows stiffly. He is wearing a stunning royal blue silk robe. His trademark fur hat is in his hand. "Mr. President, there are a few items I would like to...."
"Let me get this straight, Hambone. You want me to turn over Afghan terrorist prisoners to you and have my 20,000 troops in Afghanistan ask you for permission to keep saving your bacon every time the Taliban get frisky? You must be drinking your bathwater, ol' son."
"Please, Mr. President,' Karzai says. "I am a Muslim and the leader of a sovereign nation. I beg you, do not refer to me as a pork product."
"Then don't be such a pig!" quips Laura. "We gave you a whole country."
Bush bursts out laughing. "Good one, Honey! She's right, Hammy. You ought to show a little gratitude. You don't seem to know how good you've got it right now. Besides, you and I have to make a show of solidarity to the rest of the world. The United States is transforming Afghanistan into a model democracy in the Middle East. And you, Hammy, are our model democratically-elected president."
"And speaking of models," says Laura, "we have to do something about your wardrobe. What is that kimono thing you're wearing anyway?"
"Yeah," says Bush, "It looks like something you'd see in a Japanese whorehouse." He gets a steely glance from Laura. "Not that I'd know."
Laura pulls out a drycleaner bag and hands it to Karzai. "Go on. Try it on. I made it myself."
Karzai pulls out a little red pillbox hat with a tassel on top. "It's three sizes too small," he says, looking forlorn.
"That's what the chinstrap is for, Hambone," says Bush. "And don't forget the jacket and pants."
Karzai holds up the short red jacket with brass buttons. He seems about to cry. "I will look like an organ grinder's monkey," he says.
Laura gives in to a fit of coughing, trying to stifle a laugh.
"Put 'em on! Put 'em on!" coaxes Bush. Don't be bashful."
"Yeah," says Laura. "I may be a 'desperate housewife', but I'm not that desperate."
Karzai takes a deep breath to steady himself and removes his blue silk robe. There is a bright flash of light. Laura is holding a camera.
"Now there's a Kodak moment!" she says. "And I thought Saddam had knobby knees!"
Bush sits up at his desk. "I hope you put that film in a safe place, Honey. You know how embarrassing it would be to have that picture show up in the papers just when The Hamster here is trying to improve his image. Thanks for stopping by, Mr. Karzai. I'm glad we had this little talk. Aren't you?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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