(WSU) Facing crippling financial demands and declining revenues from the ongoing global economic malaise, three states have employed s novel cost cutting measure. Texas, Oklahoma and Florida officially announced today that starting October 1st, they will outsource all executions to Iran.
Citing difficulties obtaining supplies of the critical drug, Propofol, which has remained scarce following the cornering of the market by Michael Jackson and the diminished supply of thiopental sodium (the drug of choice by Tea Party and US Congressional personnel), the Governors of the three states told a small gathering of the Press that following a six month study by a Midwest think tank, all future executions will be conducted under contract with Iran and remains will then be recycled by Vikings.
Texas Governor Rick "Good Hair" Perry told this reporter: "Texans have routinely spent zillions of dollars coddling convicted murderers, rapists and heinous Democrats for decades before finally pulling the plug on those bastards. Current financial conditions motivated an across the board review of all state expenditures.
"At a recent Governor's Conference, my canned hunting buds from Oklahoma and Florida were talking with me about their own problems over a case of Keystone Light. Together, we tallied up the totals of our three state death row ranks and were astonished to find 456,722 scum bags are pending execution in just our states. We decided that something had to be done.
"We engaged Leavenworth Kansas Consultants to review our problem and recommend solutions. LKC employs a world renown staff of physicians and experts in the field of pharmacology...names like Dr. Jack Kervorkian, Dr. Joseph Mengele II, Floyd Landis, Dr. Carl Coppolino, Jose Canseco and Ozzy Osbourne - household names with real street cred!"
Oklahoma Governor Joe Bob Mack then began tossing out numbers like clay pigeons at a rifle range.
"Oklahomans spend over $4,000.00 a year feeding convicted garbage, then when we finally get the OK to off this human refuse by my brother-in-law at the State Supreme Court, I'm told by my Director of Corrections that the Estate of Michael Jackson has exclusive rights on the global supplies of Propofol, thiopental sodium, succinylcholine, ketamine, cast-iron skillets and high voltage cattle prods.
"Goddammit, how can one dead Octoroon transsexual without a tenth grade education be so smart? Right then, I figured we had a problem.
"My first choice was to outsource the problem to some Apaches over near Ft. Sill, but my Attorney General convinced me that we might have some constitutional issues with scalpings, so we tabled any decision until huntin season was over. Then we had this Annual Governor's Orgy...errrr Conference. We decided to fund a White Paper to get the real skinny.
"Them boys up in Leavenworth came up with a brilliant cost effective and expedient solution. For $832.44 each, Iran will feed our inmates until their timely stoning, whereby their corpses will then be flown by Scud missile to Lapland or Finland or someplace with lots of blonde people and snow for ultimate disposal. We have even arranged for live Internet video transmission of the events for any next of kin that gives a rat's ass, at no additional expense."
When the three Governor's were asked about the cost savings, the taciturn Florida Governor Miguel Angel Gomez de Goldberg excitedly pulled a spreadsheet from his pocket and began the accounting:
Annual Tri- State Savings
1)Food, KY Jelly and lodging - $9,868,371,586.12
2)Stones versus drug extortion from Michael Jackson Estate - $856,332,291.02
3)Funeral pyre versus embalming, casket and burial - $234,991,605.99
Governor Rick Perry followed Governor Goldberg's recitation with his own summation. "After the October One Plan is put into effect, we will begin converting 35% of our penal colonies to public schools and vocational training centers. It's what I call our "Joints for Jobs" Initiative.
"It's a win-win all around; no Obama Bucks or public financing required...just good ole American entrepreneurship. Even the towelheads win. They can rant and rave about all the morally decadent infidels they get to eradicate. Hell, it may just pave the way to Middle Eastern peace.
"I wonder how many shotgun shells can be bought with the Nobel Peace Prize money? I gotta take this call. It's a text message from Osama Bin Ladin with a counter offer"