Written by Jehu
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Monday, 23 May 2005

image for L.A. Mayor Descendant of Zorro
Two of a kind

The office of Antonio Villaraigosa, newly elected mayor of Los Angeles, and first Latino mayor in 133 years, announced today that he is, in fact, a descendant of the legendary figure Zorro, a hero who fought for the rights of disenfranchised peasants in 19th century California. A study of assorted birth certificates, patents of nobility, and poorly drawn wanted posters revealed that Villaraigosa is the great-great-great-great-great-grand-nephew of Don Diego de la Vega, Zorro's mild-mannered and foppish alter ego. The mayor claims that, while staff genealogists had uncovered the connection several months ago, they chose not to release the information during the campaign, as it would almost certainly provide an unfair advantage to the underdog challenger.

"I had to keep my true identity secret, just like my ancestor," Villaraigosa said. "I seek not power, nor wealth, nor popular renown. My sole purpose is to free the people of Los Angeles from the crushing yoke of tyranny imposed by the former administration."

The mayor went on to say that priorities for his first term would include education reform, equal opportunity employment, and cracking down on the disturbing trend of poor gold miners being exploited by Spanish aristocracy. He also plans to rename city hall el palacio de la justicia, though the change is currently pending city council approval.

When asked how the family was dealing with the news, Villaraigosa's wife, Corina, revealed that being married to the scion of a famous crime fighter is not always easy. "Ever since Antonio found out, he's been going out at all hours of the night, never telling me where," she said. "When he comes back, he's covered in dust and smells like horse. He inlaid the garage floor with three concentric fencing circles, and now he won't let me put the car in there. And he cut the arms off his black bathrobe, so it looks like a cape. It's fun when we're… you know… intimate, but I still wish he hadn't ruined a perfectly good robe."

All in all, the new mayor said he looks forward to a productive term in office, and promised that at least one or two of his "enemies" would be "vanquished" during his first 100 days. Villaraigosa aides hastened to add that they suspected, but could not yet prove, that incumbent mayor James Hahn was closely related to Zorro's arch nemesis, the dastardly Rafael Moncada. Hahn did not return calls requesting a comment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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