Written by Evan Essence
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Topics: Democrats, Senate

Monday, 23 May 2005

Invoking a clause in the Patriot Act, which says that anyone who criticizes the President of the United States shall be treated as a Suspected Terrorist, and therefore will lose any protection under the law, GOP leaders have decided to put teeth behind their recent gag order, by cutting the muscle Democrats have been threatening to use to disrupt Senate Confirmation Hearings.

The Senate Democratic Caucus will be meeting in special session on Tuesday in a holding facility at Guantanamo Bay, where they will be planning their response.

However, their response is expected to be muted. On Wednesday afternoon a special team of oral surgeons, trained at Abu Ghraib, will be flown in to to begin the messy, and sometimes painful, process of exposing the uvulas of these detainees, by excising the tongues from the hyoid bones in their oral cavities.

"These people are terrorists, and therefore they have no rights under the Geneva Convention," Said Senate Majority leader Bill Frist.

"We just want these Democrats to Shut Up!", said Condoleeza Rice at a press conference. They just can't stop talking, talking, and talking. And they are always saying derogatory things about the president, at a time when people should be falling in lock-step behind him.

What we have come up with is a "Final Solution" to prevent them from disrupting business on Capitol Hill, anymore.

The fight on Capitol Hill is focusing on the nomination of Texas state judge Priscilla Owen to the 5th circuit court of appeals. What Republicans are calling the "Nuke-u-lar Option" (so George Bush will understand) involves Vice-President Dick Cheney, in his role as Senate president, ordering Senate Democrats to keep their mouths shut on matters pertaining to federal appeal court and Supreme Court confirmation hearings.

As part of the Bush Administration's "Dumbing Down America Campaign" the GOP controlled Congress is working on passing See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil Legislation, which would insure that not only Democratic Senators, but also average citizens, could be sent to Guantanamo Bay, and have their tongues excised, for criticising the president.

Editors note: Evan Essence recieved his Masters Degree in Journalism (2003), and his PhD in Political Science (2004) from House-of-Spam Internet Marketing

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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