In a new report sanctioned by the US government, officials have stated that water was found to have been drunk by 98% of all cancer victims. Juliet Bravo, state official for Texas said:
"In the report we did some statistics and found some kind of cororrelation. Of all the people we surveyed who had cancer, some of them used the deadly internet, but nearly all of them drank some of the evil substance called water. We therefore have decided to propose a period of water-ban in Texas. We figure that people are pretty useless at taking care of themselves in the first place, so we'll actively persue a ban of water. Anyone found drinking water will be severely, and I mean thoroughly, hosed down in their own driveway. A serious threat indeed."
Sources inside the US government suggest that the report was written by the President himself, George Bushell (Gary Bushell's Dad).