Sydney, Australia (BNSE): Wikileaks, the controversial Australian based organization which recently rocked the American intelligence community with the release of thousands of classified documents linked to the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, has sent shock waves again with the release of extraordinary documents detailing the shadowy background of Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
In a synopsis of the over 2500 e-mails and other related research documents between the CIA, White House, noted academicians, and Iranian dissidents; experts unanimously concluded the Iranian leader is "some kind of f***ked up elf." "But, not the nice kind like you find at Santa's workshop," added one communique between an analysis from Langley, Virginia, and a counterpart at the Pentagon. "He's more like one of those ones that made that lady in that movie and go nuts and drive her car into a gas truck. Yeah, that's what he is"
As evidence, the experts pointed to a high level top secret diplomatic message sent between Ahmadinajad and the Chinese government:
"Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-do,
I have another puzzle for you.
Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-da-dee,
If you are wise, you'll listen to me.
Don't ask questions about our nuclear plant,
You'll have terrorist one you like a bunch of ants.
Block inspections whatever you do,
And, our nukes won't be pointed at you.
Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-da,
Smuggling us plutonium will get you far.
You will help us kill lots of Jews, too,
Just like the Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-do."
"As incredible as it seems, it appears the CIA has discovered that Ahmadinejad is, in fact, a rogue Oompa Loompa, or other member of a closely related species of little people," concluded a world renowned expert on mythical humanoids from the University of Dublin. "At a height of just over five feet, he's pretty tall to be an 'O-L-Pa,' so he could possibly be an evil leprechaun or even a really skinny dwarf. It's impossible to know until somebody throws holy water on him, or tracks down a few Whangdoodles and Hornswogglers and see if they attack him on sight."
Experts have feared the growth of Islamic radicalism in the Oompa Loompa community in recent years. Once the proud operators of a chocolate factory in the outskirts of London, the Oompa Loompas were pushed to the brink of extinction in the early 1970's after the eccentric owner of the candy making facility gave the entire operation over to an unknown young boy and his indigent grandfather over the objections of investors. As the fortunes of the once successful company declined, "Charlie," or "Chaz the Jew," as the Oompa Loompa call him, gradually sold the Oompa Loompas off as an economical substitute for dolphin meat in commercial tuna production and the "Riding Around on Tricycles with Cowboy Hats on for No Apparent Reason" industry. Charlie's outsourcing of the Oompa Loompas earned him praise from animal rights activists who credit him with saving the lives of thousands of primates used in medical testing. He is now a prominent global warming advocate.
Until a large breeding population of Oompa Loompas was discovered on the estate of NFL quarterback, Michael Vick, O-L-Pa advocacy was rare. One of these rare voices, Jack Dawkins, an entrepreneur from the Saffron Hill area of England, who claims to have met with Ahmadinejad in late 1978 and attempted with aid his transition of regular society with mixed results. "Maud tried real hard, but he had the same problem most of the 'Pahs' had. That goofy walk and then those short little stubby midget fingers... Ewww..."
It is unclear what, if any impact this information of the Iranian leader's background will have on the United States' dealings with the Islamic Republic. However, many intelligence experts who refused to be identified suggested the information might be used to "psychologically influence Ahmadinejad to abandon the Iranian Presidency in favor of frolicking in a shady glade."