Written by Luke Reynolds
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Topics: blood

Saturday, 9 July 2005

image for Bill of Rights Updated for the 21st Century

Life is about revisions and change. Just think if we still used leaches to drain the blood of those who are ill. Or if our dictionary were the same dictionary used centuries ago (Of my konnyng that vnneth I it steere). Or if we settled our disputes through war (OK, maybe not much has changed).

The Bill of Rights was written over 200 years ago. Unfortunately, it has never been updated, unlike almost every other law.

President Bush recently announced that a commission headed by former US Attorney General John Ashcroft updated the Bill of Rights to reflect modern life.

Unlike the previous bill of rights, this one will cost money. As so eloquently stated by committee vice-chair Bag O. Gold, "It is time freeloaders stopped enjoying the Bill of Rights without paying a dime. You have to pay for the right to drive a car (drivers license), you have to pay for the right to enjoy national parks (entrance fee), why should you be able to enjoy the bill of rights without paying a penny?"

Thus, similar to most other bills, the Bill of Rights only protects people who pay their monthly Bill. The basic package starts at 15% of gross income monthly....but citizens will be given the option to upgrade to a "gold" package for only 5% more. Those who do not pay their bills within 15 days of the due date may have their Bill of Rights disconnected at any time.

Those who pay their monthly Bill will benefit from the new and improved Bill of Rights:

(1) congress shall make no law favoring one religion over another, but it can promote religion over non-religion by directing federal agencies to establish an office of "faith based programs" and by having His Holiness, President Bush, promote religion from the white house pulpit;

(2) everyone shall have a right to keep a fully automatic assault rifle and machine gun in their home or person. Rabbits and ducks are getting increasingly more violent, so hunters must often resort to this high powered weaponry.

(3) no soldier shall ransack your home, unless your home is in another country, in which case they can at any time;

(4) everyone has a right against search except in any public location; airports; motor vehicle; sidewalk; street; anywhere that may be reached by sunlight; not reached by sunlight; or any place that has a name starting with a letter between a-z;

(5) no person shall be required to testify against himself in court if he wants to take a nap instead;

(6) every person charged with a crime has the right to be tried by a jury of citizens who could not think up an excuse to get out of jury duty or otherwise had nothing better to do in life than to serve;

(7) if you loaned someone $20 because they were short on cash and didn't want to run to the ATM, and they don't pay you back, you have the right to sue them and have a panel of jurors hear the case;

(8) every person who beaks the law shall not pay an excessive fine, unless it is for jaywalking, illegal parking, speeding, or any offense of similar or greater seriousness, in which case the person shall be required to pay a heavy and substantial fine;

(9) if we didn't list anything here, it doesn't mean we didn't want to exclude it from this list, it just means we got too intoxicated on the fine wine supplied by lobbyists and didn't think of it;

(10) powers not expressly given to the federal government in this constitution are reserved to the states; except the states will be deemed to give them back to the federal government, so in short, the federal government can do everything we want!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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