CONVENT OF THE QUEER, WV (ABSNN) - Sightings of UFOs flying above, and landing, in West Virginia towns is nothing new. Pt. Pleasant, West Virginia, a small town where the Kanawha River joins the Ohio River has long been a hot-bed of alien activity.
In fact, it is nearly unheard of for anyone from that small community who has not been abducted and rectally probed, a minimum of three times.
Only a few weeks ago, on September 11th, Pt. Pleasant held its annual Mothman Festival and parade (see photograph). So, when aliens did in fact land south of Pt. Pleasant, all hell broke loose.
Yes, an alien spaceship landed on the grounds of the Convent of the Queer, just north of Barboursville, West Virginia, early Sunday morning, and freed Francois Cardinal Dubois, S.J., from his confinement in the Really, Really Queer Priest's Rehabilitation Ward, and declared him to be King of the World.
The West Virginia National Guard moved immediately to surround the convent.
To be more accurate, those nine men and five women guardsmen who refused to ask or tell regarding their sexual preferences surrounded the convent. The remainder of the West Virginia Air National Guard and Army National Guard refused to take up arms against the aliens, a group of humanoids who hail from the planet Heterophobia within the constellation QB1011.
President Barack Obama immediately surrendered the United States to the Heterophobians and pledged to work tirelessly to correct all of the wrongs perpetrated on the Universe by the horrible deeds of the United States of America since the days of the Spanish Inquisition.
Following meetings with Cardinal Dubois, who is unable to speak due to over application of shock treatments to his genitalia, the Heterophobians decided to appoint John Paul Paul, a noted Harvard anthropologist Chief Queer of the United States until such a time as all straight white people have been eliminated or turned queer, whichever comes first.
"We offered the job of ruling the world to Jesus Christ but he declined citing the fact that he was crucified the last time he came down here attempting to change people's attitudes," said Bruce Bruce, chief spokesperson for the Heterophobians.
Asked by reporters what the agenda for change on Earth would entail, Bruce said, "Number One, quit fucking with other people! Number Two, quit giving money to churches and TV ministries and give that money to the poor directly. Number Three, if your leaders want to fight wars, send them, just them and Mills Lane can referee, and Michael Buffer can call the fight."
"What about our Constitution," asked a reporter?
"From here on out, you will be forced to live by it, or die. No more fag burning either!"
"Don't you mean 'flag' burning?"