HOUSTON--Scientists at Exxon Mobil Corporation have announced that they have created a revolutionary substitute for human blood out of common crude oil, which they have chemically altered for the mass market.
"This oil-based blood plasma can carry oxygen, carbon dioxide, glucose, the works, but better than earlier hydrocarbon-based blood substitutes. It also gives recipients a remarkable feeling of increased energy," stated the discoverer, Dr. Henry Fillet of Exxon Medical Laboratories, at a news conference unveiling the innovative technology. He held up a beaker containing the new form of blood, which resembled ordinary light crude oil.
"In fact, I've had all of my own blood replaced with this new chemical, and I feel great," confessed the scientist. "I can now run a mile in four minutes, and hold my breath for over three minutes. This substance has superior gas retention and delivery capabilities, and it is now ready to be adopted by the consumer."
To prove his statement, Dr. Fillet jabbed a needle into his thumb and invited astonished reporters to observe the drops of oily black liquid that oozed from him. He then held his breath for three and one half minutes and was timed by certain skeptical members of the press.
Dr. Fillet stated that a new Exxon division, Exxon Medical Technologies, is commercializing the chemical under the trade name ExxonSuperFloHighMileageOilBlood. Exxon's product has received FDA approval and the company is already signing supply agreements with hospitals and laboratories across the nation. As a promotional measure, and to illustrate how harmless and beneficial the product is, Exxon has already replaced the blood of most United States Congressmen with the new substance.
"These politicians just love it, and they say it's given them a new lease on life," Fillet enthused. "They're acting like regular horny toads, some of them, gamboling and jumping around like they were 16 years old again." He estimated that the new oil-based blood will extend human life by at least thirty years, and decrease the diseases of old age due to its superior lubricating properties.
In response to questions from reporters, Dr. Fillet said that Iraqi oil worked best in the production of the new blood, and he said that Exxon looked forward to receiving more Iraqi oil in order to produce large amounts of the new blood for the consumer and military markets.
Dr. Fillet also indicated that an additional benefit of the new blood substitute is that it can also be used to fuel and lubricate internal combustion engines.