A Wisconsin man opened up a local bank's ATM with a can opener, pulled out the cash and put it on the ground and then rode away with the ATM on the back of his pickup truck.
"I was shocked when I saw it on the security video", said the bank manager, Edward Pilferson. "This guy took one of those squeezy things and used it to open up the top of the ATM. You know, those squeezy things that you use to open up a can of Campbell's Chicken Noodle soup. You know, you put the sqeezy thing on the side of the can and make it go around the can by turning that twirly thingy, and it always gets stuck by that tabby thing on the top of the can".
"I hate it when that happens".
"Hell, after he opened up the thing he went and emptied out all the money and put it on the ground, and then used a bunch of those jacky things to load it onto his pickup truck and rode off".
"What makes it worse", continued Pilferson, "is that the money was insured, but not the ATM. If the dumb security company that we hired hadn't put the money amount in the police report, we all could have made out. What an idiot".
"Worse, is that the company that replaced the ATM put it in backwards. When I tried to get them to fix it, I found out that none of the workers spoke any English".
When asked what the perpetrator looked like, Pilferson said, "Well, on the video the guy had his name and address printed on the back of a personalized T-shirt. He moved mighty quickly, I don't know if anyone will catch him. I guess no one really knows who he is or where he lives".
Amazingly, the police went to the address that was on the back of the guy's T-shirt and found him sitting in his living room drinking beer and watching Bambi. His pickup truck was sitting in the driveway with the ATM still on it".
"Boy was he ever surprised to see us", said the police sergeant. "He asked us how we found him and we asked him why he took that ATM and left the cash. We told him that his name and address were on the back of his T-shirt".
"Isn't that an invasion of privacy?" asked the thief, Joe Blowhard. "I know my rights and I do believe that you just violated them".
"I took the ATM so that I could sell it as scrap. I took the money out to lessen the weight. Those coins weigh a whole lot you know, although what was kind of weird about the whole thing is that there weren't any coins in the machine, just a whole bunch of twenties".
When asked why he didn't just take the money and leave the ATM, Blowhard responded:
"Are you crazy? I can get at least two hundred bucks by selling the ATM as scrap. I mean why bother with, what, twenty thousand dollars in twenties. How the hell am I going to fit all those twenties into my wallet? That would be kind of dumb, don't you think?"
What was more amazing is that the police did not arrest Blowhard.
"Geez", stated the sergeant. "Have a heart. The video just got to the point in the movie Bambi, where Bambi's mother got killed in the fire. I mean, how sad. How can you arrest a guy after that?"