Written by Felix Minderbinder
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Tuesday, 17 May 2005

image for No Cure Seen For Exploding Republicans
A contagious Republican cane toad?

ATLANTA--Doctors and scientists at the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia do not see an imminent cure arising to prevent or slow down the recent plague of exploding Republican politicians that has hit Washington, DC. "We are at a total loss to deal with this, despite mobilizing our entire research expertise," regretted Dr. Harvey Sideburn, Assistant Director of the Center. "Our nation has lost 54 senior Republicans including Vice President Dick Cheney to this exploding phenomenon. It's really tragic, and disgusting." Doctors and laboratories across the United States are taking tissue samples from Republican politicians and subjecting them to intense laboratory analysis, as well as injecting them into rats and monkeys for study.

The puzzling rash of exploding politicians which has horrified the nation began in April, and was first thought to be related to the exploding cane toad outbreak in northern Europe. At first a virus was considered to be the cause, but that hypothesis was quickly ruled out. Nor have any crows been seen pecking out the livers of Republican politicians, which is thought to be causing the cane toads to explode.

Public concern increased when Dick Cheney's explosion was caught live on prime time American TV, while he was defending the US war in Iraq before MSNBC's Meet the Press.

"He just swelled and swelled up like a balloon," recalled one shaken cameraman. "It happened so fast! His eyes bugged out, then Blam! There were Republican guts flying all over the place. I can tell you that I lost it right then and there."

After Condoleezza Rice exploded while visiting the Ukraine in early May, President George W. Bush went into hiding in an undisclosed underground nuclear bunker outside of Washington, fearing some sort of contagion from other Republican Cabinet members might cause him to explode too.

"That's it! I'm getting the hell out of here!" the president was heard to cry while frantically running towards a presidential chopper.

"He's absolutely terrified," admitted an anonymous White House staffer who has kept in touch with the president. "He keeps asking, Who else has exploded? Am I swelling up yet? Am I?"

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