Written by Morse
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Topics: The Spoof, Pirates

Wednesday, 22 September 2010

image for Pirate Ship Built as Back Yard Project Now Pillaging Coast of Lake Michigan!
Wortham's Fantasy Adventure Leaves Michigan Feathers Ruffled!

Neighbors describe P.M Wortham as a normal bloke, 'just one of the neighbors, really,' before a childhood fantasy became all too real when he quit his day job and began building his boat in the backyard. That's when it 'all came a cropper' says his YMCA sailing instructor Harvey "Pegleg" McFlint.

Wortham who recently launched his 200 ton 40 gun frigate "Queen Mudder's Revenge" into the Detroit River, is now listed on the FBI's 10 most wanted Pirates, atop even the Identical Somali Pillaging Triplets, Mohammed, Ackmad, & Pukman.

The water communities surrounding Michigan have been at the mercy of Wortham, who now goes under the guise of multiple identities including Edward Teach, Bartholomew Roberts, William Kidd or Stede Bonnet, depending on the day of the week, or the convergence of he tide and the moon, as they have been pillaged from stem to stern to provision the wayward vagabond.

The picturesque town of Sault Ste Marie was stripped of all it's rum in a brazen midnight raid of the local package store, and 4 local lasses performing at a gentlemen's club are also reported missing.

The local vegetable stand also reported it was missing 16 cases of imported limes.

In Kitchener the local supermarket meat counter was stripped of all it's leg of lamb, mint jelly, garlic, gravy mix, and 200 pounds of potatoes and a case of spinach.

In Brenton Harbor the pirates skulked ashore after midnight and looted a Dunkin' Donuts at cutlass point and made off with the morning supply of jelly donuts, and made the night staff prepare 2 dozen breakfast sandwiches with double bacon rations for the crew.

In Manistee the Wal Mart night watchman was helpless as the raiding party made off with 6 dozen pair of Wrangler Jeans Shorts, the same amount of wide pink plastic belts, and a ton of black powder from the sporting goods section.

The town of Kitchener reported that their Party Store was hit, with the raiders taking 3,000 balloons, the helium inflator, and a variety of Halloween Costumes that had just arrived in time for the upcoming holiday.

In Muskegon the local feed store was stripped of 500 lbs. of Sun Flower seeds, and the only clue was a few multicolored feathers traced to an African Parrot.

So far no one has been injured in the midnight to dawn raids, but Efram Zimbalist, Jr. III, Special Agent In Charge (SAIC) of the FBI's Kudinquim office said 'It's only a matter of time until this fantasy turns ugly...when a guy like Wortham loses touch with reality it'll only end in Tears, Tragedy & Mayhem!"

So far, none of the other crew members have been positively identified, although witnesses claim they have been named as Billy Bones, Doctor Vic, Black Dog, Skoob the Cook, Parrot Head, Spotted Dick, and The Monsignor.

The FBI is now canvassing Wortham's neighborhood and scouring his work computer for signs of prior plans. His employer, who deals with the public on a regular basis and refuses to be named due to negative publicity said, " I knew there was something wrong! Every time he had a coffee break he's take the laptop into the john and wouldn't come out for hours! I know he suffered from constipation, but the bugger really knew how to stretch out his breaks.....I think it was that Spoof Site he was on......mad bugger's all!"

With that lead, Efram says they have contacted INTERPOL for cooperation, and as soon as they locate Spoof Editor Mark Lowton, who is also recently reported missing, they may get to the bottom of the caper.

Reports are surfacing that there may be several UK residents who have disappeared lately. Anne Shuttlecock has come forward and mentioned that beloved husband Martin 'went out for a pint Sunday wearing high boots, a leather jerkin and his sword, and hasn't been seen since."

Mrs Fergus McCarthy, from somewhere outside Dublin, echoed her concern. "Went over to the new house to bring some supper to me husband on the roof and he was nowt to be seen. His shingling axe is missing too, but he left his glass eye behind, which means the natty bugger is wearing his eye patch again!"

Officials worse fears are that Wortham may contemplate storming Detroit and burning it to the ground, a threat rumoured to be favoured by waiting urban developers just itching to get their hands on some more of Obama's Shovel Ready Stimulus Money.

Mrs. Wortham claims that this is just a momentary flight from Reality. "He'll get over it. He always does. He said he wanted to be a pirate one night over dinner, and I told 'em, 'whatever floats yer boat...' he takes everything so literally the BASTARD, I'll say that for 'em!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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