At this very moment Paris Hilton is being held captive in Japan by the Japanese Government. Paris Hilton flew to Japan on a private jet, and upon landing in Japan Paris Hilton was detained and interrogated for hours by the Japanese military. At this time Paris Hilton is being held captive in Japan at an undisclosed location.
Upon her arrival in Japan, Hilton, 29, was taken into a special room at the airport. The heiress to the Hilton Hotel Chain was tied down to a bench. A facecloth was placed over her nose and mouth as Japanese officials slowly pured pitchers of water onto her mouth and nose. On the videotape, a drowning Paris Hilton is heard gurgling, fighting for her life, "Pearl Harbor, Jap, coke not mine, coke mine, you're ruining my hair, I know people, Tokishima."
President Obama immediately called a news conference from the Oval Office. President Obama said, "I demand the immediate release of Paris Hilton. If Paris Hilton is not released in the next 24 hours the United States of America is going to institute an immediate ban on the import of all Japanese Toyotas, Hondas and Sashimi. Come to think of it, we should have done this years ago to save the economy. Maybe it's not too late to do it now to avoid a deluge in November. We're not only fighting lobbyist money pouring into the GOP but now we have to worry about witch curses too. I'm taking no options off the table."