Written by Frank Cotolo
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Topics: Weather, Hurricane

Monday, 16 May 2005

image for Bad storm season predicted

NERVELINE, Ohio -- The East and Gulf coasts can expect a big hurricane season that could be the worse ever, said an official at the National Torrid Weather and Bad Atmospheric Administration (NTWBAA).

The Atlantic will have more than 200 tropical storms, many becoming hurricanes and a lot of those hurricanes among the worst in history. "Maybe we are wrong," said NTWBAA forecaster Nick Slot, "but bad weather will be coming, with sustained winds of at least 7,945 miles and hour."

"It's too early to predict if we are right about this," said Slade Water, NYWBAA administrative assistant to the coordinating chief of operations, "but it is better we are prepared for death and destruction than be sitting around playing with our pinky toes and singing songs about cookies and milk."

"Forecaster confidence might be low," said NYWBAA head of divisional forecasts and assistant to the lab coordinator and map reader, "but just because we have not been right about a storm's severity ever, that is no reason to believe it will not be an active hurricane season and that people will die in those storms. Innocent people like you and me could have their limbs torn away and their insides sucked right out of them."

Forecasters at NYWBAA predict an Atlantic hurricane season "of Biblical proportions." Hurricanes, many of them major, a recent NYWBAA report concludes, "could lead to mass destruction even in areas on the edge of the storms. We don't expect it to rain frogs, mind you, but the winds and rain we predict could mean most amusement parks will have to close during their busiest season."

The hurricane season begins June 1 and ends Nov. 30.

NYWBAA officials warn everyone to stay indoors when they feel a rough wind or if it suddenly starts to rain. "Those could be signs that a huge front is heading into the area," said Rusty Jaw, coordinating associate to the assistant of the technical supervisor of NYWBAA.

Jaw also said the eastern and central Pacific are expected to have "storms that could breathe fire as well as rain and become cyclones and suck up everything in sight.

"If what we predict comes true, and we have little evidence to support it will, nowhere in the United States will be safe from the swarm of storms.

"People should begin to tie possessions down with chains. It might not be too late to build strong underground caverns where families can hide while the world above is destroyed.

"But believe me, I don't want people to become alarmed and panic."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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