Washington, DC - John R. Bolton, President Bush's controversial pick for U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, survived sudden death by Committee this week when his nomination was sent to the Senate floor without endorsement. Though this turn of events is widely viewed as a stinging defeat for the President, the White House has nonetheless declared victory, and presented Bolton with a personal note and gift from the President in honor of the occasion. A high-level source leaked the text of the note:
"Well John, another win for us fightin (sic) Yailies (sic), huh? Feels good don't it? I tell you what, I was sweatin (sic) like a fat girl in a fur coat when they was saying all those things about you. Were (sic) gonna have to tear off some hide inside the party, hell!
Well squeakin (sic) by is good enough--hey look how far I got! Anywho (sic), here's my thank-you-sir for stickin (sic) with it. Inside the box is something Laura and I got you when we was over hanging out with Putin in Russia, guess what! It's Cruisechef's (sic) shoe, you know, the one he banged on the desk at the UN? Well actually the other shoes (sic) in there too cause (sic) Laura said you needed new clothes anyway. But you know what you can take this shoe off and bang the hell out of somethin (sic) anytime you want in your new job (I know you will be there right soon, hear?).
My secret service bubbas tell me you have to leave your old managment (sic) tools at home--no icepicks or hatchets, ok? You better keep those stuffed interns you showed me out of sight too. Hell this is better--its dammed (sic) historical! Putin says to say WE WILL BURY YOU!!! everytime you smack somthin (sic) with that shoe. We are gonna do great things together, hear? You just keep that muzzle on a little longer, and before you know it you'll be scarin (sic) the Boutros out of that Galley (sic) guy.
Senate Democrats expressed disgust at the sentiment of the gift, and vowed to fight harder to keep Bolton out of New York, not to mention the UN. Republicans shrugged off criticism, noting that the President's taste in gifts is hardly relevant to Bolton's qualifications for the UN post. On a side note, medical experts have confirmed Khruschev's shoes will be far to small for Bolton to wear. It remains to be seen what sort of imprint they might once again leave at the United Nations.