NEW YORK, NY - Before ABC News President David Westin officially stepped down, he announced sweeping cuts to the legacy news organization.
Westin announced that they are laying off the entire staff and will replace human reporters, editors and on-screen personalities with CGI-animations and images.
Additionally, ABC's Good Morning America weatherman, Sam Champion, will be replaced with an anatomically-correct gay robot. ABC will now issue four forecasts per year: Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall.
The forecasts will be played every day, so that viewers will not be any less informed than they are now. All forecasts will have the word "possible" included to guarantee 100% accuracy. For example, during the summer months, a hurricane will be "possible" every day, with record winds and rainfall "possible". This methodology will ensure that ABC's forecast will always be correct.