Written by Chris Ebert
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Topics: George W. Bush, Ugly

Friday, 13 May 2005

image for George W. Bush Resigns from Office After Old Fisherman Warns Him of Spooky Ghost
A frightened Bush (left) spends his final moments in the Oval Office as he imagines the horrible specter (right)

In what is no doubt the defining event of the 21st Century thus far U.S. President George W. Bush and his entire cabinet have resigned from office due to intelligence indicating a ghostly being known only as the Oil Ugly is now haunting both the U.S. Capitol and international locations of strategic military and governmental importance abroad, such as Iraq and Afghanistan.

His final act as President was to quickly order the complete and total withdraw of all U.S. troops from all overseas locations, and to reverse nearly all key legislation passed during both his terms in office. The bulk of the U.S. Congress and Supreme Court have also resigned and gotten as far away from Washington D.C. as possible, creating a huge power vacuum and enormous questions on succession of power and the future of the U.S. Government, if not the nation itself. Similar resignations, such as that of British Prime Minister Tony Blair followed quickly all over the world.

Would be leaders around the globe who would normally rush forward to fill these key positions in this dark hour are reluctant to do so for fear of an encounter with the frightening phantom. Nations as diverse as France and China, North Korea and the former Soviet Union are at this hour without heads of state. Chatter in the intelligence community indicates that even terrorist and revolutionary groups worldwide are abandoning their agendas, preferring to let so-called "infidels and defilers" pillage their motherlands rather than risk a sighting of the revenant and its rattling chains and otherworldly moans.

The crisis began early this morning, when husband and wife paranormalists Ed and Lorraine Warren, famed investigators of the reputed Amityville Horror in the 1970's presented President Bush with a videotape which had been leaked by an unknown source to the Arabic language satellite news channel Al Jazeera. The Warrens were heads of a little known subsection of the Office of Homeland Security created by President Bush in 2004 in case "the evil-doers try some, y'know, supernaturally type stuff".

The contents of the tape were of a gnarled New England fisherman, whom investigators of the tape have identified as one Cap'n Obed Marsh of Innsmouth, MA. Marsh's campfire story remains classified at this time, but sources indicate it recounted the tale of a ghostly being who would rise up out of either the oil fields of the Middle East or possibly Texas, dubbed colloquially as the Oil Ugly. Whitehouse insiders say the President remained stoic until the section of the tape where Marsh pointed out that it was "a' hunred years ta' the very day" since the ghost last appeared, and then repeated the words "doomed, doomed, doomed", over and over with his index finger outstretched toward the camera.

Frenzied journalists attempted to quiz to the former President as Washington was evacuated, but the only question Bush answered was that of CNN correspondent Wolf Blitzer, with the cryptic words, "there's nothing in the Oath of Office about G-g-ghosts, and you'll get outta here too, Wolf, if you know what's good for you".

All America's hopes are at this moment pinned on Senator Barack Obama (D-Illinois), who gained much acclaim as a keynote speaker at the 2004 Democratic National Convention. Obama, whom Senator Hillary Clinton (D-New York) described as "incredibly brave and patriotic" and Representative Tom DeLay (R-Texas) referred to as "a damn fool kid", held a press conference to announce his plan of action to deal with the Olympian crisis.

"I am in short order preparing to drive this festively painted and spacious Volkeswagen microbus toward the Capitol Building. I am being accompanied by a crack team of crisis managers, whom I cannot name by name for reasons of national security", Obama began.

"Suffice to say with me filling the role of the tall, calm, and somewhat handsome guy, I am being accompanied by an unkempt and often hungry young man who is always nervous, an attractive redhead who is often kidnapped during the course of an adventure, and a bookish yet curvy young woman who fancies herself an amateur sleuth", he continued.

Reporters on the scene also indicated that a dog, possibly a Great Dane, with remarkably anthropomorphized features and the ability of rudimentary speech will assist Obama as well.

"A patriotic American, Mr. William Shatner, who you all no doubt know as Star Trek's Captain James T. Kirk, has taken a job at a Turkey Hill refilling station in Maryland immediately across from the Washington, D.C. border", Obama commented.

"My team and I will stop at that filling station, and after frivolous banter and some shock that we have encountered Mr. Shatner under such unlikely circumstances, will exchange what information we have heard about the ghost with Mr. Shatner and his curmudgeon of a boss, Old Man Dithers. Despite Old Man Dithers's protestations, Mr. Shatner will accompany us on our journey to investigate the mystery", Obama said.

"I am confident that if the hopes and prayers of all Americans and people around the world are with us, my team and I will be able to lay an overly elaborate trap for the Oil Ugly. After some hi-jinks, possibly Mr. Shatner and myself dressing up as nineteenth century barbers, and stalling the ghost by pretending to offer him a haircut and shave, the Oil Ugly will be ensnared in our trap. After removal of a rubber mask, we hope he will be revealed to be a completely mortal human, with petty personal interests for faking the haunting rather than ones of international intrigue. Likely he will be the aforementioned Old Man Dithers or possibly third party Presidential spoiler candidate Ralph Nader. Once his supernatural exploits have been explained away as an old Vaudeville performer's parlor tricks to the satisfaction of a kindly local sheriff, and the culprit admonishes us as meddlers, I fully believe America can and will move forward to a new era of unprecedented progress and well-being, as affairs of state return to normal", Obama finished.

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