Written by anthonyrosania
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Friday, 17 September 2010

image for Freak Tornado Destroys 1 Bedroom Apartment in Perth Amboy, NJ; 842 Left Homeless
ABOVE: Perth Amboy, NJ mayor Wilda Diaz. Que linda.

A freak tornado touched down in the Nueva Puerto Rico section of Perth Amboy, NJ this evening, destroying a 450 sq. ft., 1 bedroom apartment. Fortunately, none of the 842 occupants were injured, but all are left homeless.

"Que fue, prima?" asked resident Hector Diaz, looking at the damage. Diaz, one of the 842 residents, pays $400 a month to his girlfriends second-cousin to sleep on a futon near the apartment's only bathroom.

"No se, mipro," she responded. "I was watching 'La Baby Sister' on Azteca, and 'boom', eschuco algo fuerte, and I ran out a calzón quitao. Dame me su camisa, OK?" (1)

Perth Amboy Mayor Wilda Diaz said the thunderstorm came through the city at about 5 p.m. and "felt like a tornado."

"¡No lo crees! ¡I couldn't believe the wind and the rain that hit us a las millas de chaflán!" Diaz said. "Me dice ¡ay, no! ¡Anda pa' carajo! You could see parts of a roof flying around. We couldn't tell if it was from City Hall o campo carajo, or from one of the buildings around us. Que revulú."

Diaz said there are trees and power lines down across the city and police and fire crews are assessing the damage. PSE&G was also on the scene assessing damage to power lines, Colon said. Not fixing anything, mind you. Just assessing.

The Mayor also stated that the Red Cross would be able to help the hundreds of people, but none of the renters were around when officials showed up.

"They are all day-laborers, so they walk down to the 7-11 on Maple Place (2), waiting to get picked up by general contractors to haul scrap cinder block and Drywall. They're usually there by 4:00AM, so they're running a little late.

(1) Please send all comments about using Spanglish to me at besa_mi_maldita_pinga@tumadre.web. Por que soy Boricua.

(2) The 7-11 mentioned is not in Perth Amboy. It's in Keyport. And I love my Latino brethren, but please stop taking a piss on the Henry Hudson Bike Trail. I walk my 5-year-old past there every day to take her to school, y tu heule feo!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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