The National Weather Service issued a cryptic, unintelligible and essentially useless tornado warning for parts of Monmouth and Ocean counties, New Jersey this evening as a heavy band of severe thunderstorms moved across the state bringing damaging winds and rain.
As the storm passes, the National Weather Service predicted wind gusts of 60 to 70 miles per hour. A gust of 61 miles per hour was reported at 6:12 p.m. in Lakehurst, Ocean County, kicking up debris from the Hindenburg crash, which is the only thing Lakehurst is known for, besides those two homeless people walking up and down Route 70.
"This tornado may be wrapped in rain," the warning said. "and perhaps bacon. Or wrapped with a delicate pâté de foie gras, and duxelles, and then wrapped in puff pastry and baked."
"The safest place to be during a tornado is in a basement. If you don't have a basement, break into a neighbor's. Don't worry, it's not illegal if there is a Tornado Warning in effect. Seriously, my brother-in-law is a cop and he just texted me and said it was cool. Just don't touch their Christmas decorations or their Keg-o-Rator."
"Get under a workbench or other piece of sturdy furniture, but definitely not a workbench containing a belt sander, 'cause that'll f--k your sh-t up. If no basement is available, you're pretty well f--ked, but I guess you could seek shelter on the lowest floor of the building you are in, in an interior hallway or room such as a closet. That way, the cops'll know where to find your body before you get all Hurricane-Katrina-Victim bloated and smelly."
"Use blankets or pillows to cover your body and always stay away from windows. If you have become rain-soaked, take off the wet clothing. First your top. Slowly... Slowly. You're cold, aren't you? I can tell. Here, come snuggle next to me. Oooh, you're shivering. Here, put your hands under my shirt. WHOO! Your hands are cold. No, that's OK. You can leave them there. Can I... Can I... kiss you? No, hey, hey, that's OK, I was just kidding. Here, sit back down, I... wait, don't leave! I was only kidding you. Come on, stay. Please? OK. Call me."
"If you and your family oive in a mobile home or some other vehicle, f--k you! Spend your last minutes of life regretting not paying attention in high school, loser. Or, simply evacuate them and get inside an actual building, instead of a house that has disc brakes. If no shelter is available, lie flat in the nearest ditch or other low spot and cover your head with your hands. I mean, if someone's DirecTV dish gets pulled out by a tornado, it's headed toward your melon like a gunshot. All your hands are going to do is hold your brain in place, so the medical examiners don't have to dig through the rubble to find it. Mazel-tov, assbag."