Written by Yakone
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Topics: Health, honeymoon

Wednesday, 11 May 2005

image for Runaway Bride - GONE AGAIN?
They haven't made a voluntary facility yet that can hold me.

Maybe it was too good to be true, but the thought that Jennifer Wilbanks would get her life in order now that she has checked herself into an unnamed "health facility" has disappeared like John Wilson's dream of a wild honeymoon night.

Unnamed reports are filtering in that the hospital is having a really hard time keeping tabs on the famed long distance runner. An interview with one unnamed doctor resulted in this report, "Ms. Wilbanks, or the UNIELOPER has really been making it difficult for us. We keep having to remind her that she put herself here voluntarily and so could realistically leave anytime she feels like it. But she keeps acting like she is in a bad remake of "The Great Escape". I mean just yesterday one of my staff noted she was making frequent trips to stroll through the garden area. It seems she was releasing dirt out of special pouches she had sewn in her pants legs." She was attempting to dig a tunnel out of a storage shed on a neighboring parcel. The sad part was that to get to the shed she has to: 1. Leave the building, 2. Cross the hospital parking lot, 3. Leave the front gate, and then cross the road to get to the shed.

The interview was cut short when the doctor's cell phone rang, after a short profanity the doctor informed us that apparently Ms. Wilbanks had been trying to build an inflatable raft ala "Escape from Alcatraz". "It seems pretty silly because the only water is a pond about a quarter of a mile from the facility," responded the incredulous doctor. Apparently "flash" as she is also known, was taking the rubber sheets from the supply room in an attempt to glue them together with the grits served in the dining room. Staff caught on when she asked to review old "McGuyver" episodes.

The personnel at the facility are taking the whole affair in stride. Apparently there is an informal pool as to what method of escape Ms. Wilbanks will pursue next. The odds seem to favor some sort of flying contraption.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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