Written by Monkey Woods
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Thursday, 23 September 2010

image for Iraqi And Afghan Troops To Start Leaving US?
Muzzie runs the 7-eleven in Queens

Sources in Baghdad and Kabul are saying that Iraqi and Afghan troops stationed in the US may well start to leave the country as early as next Spring.

There are thought to be as many as 250,000 active operatives spread far and wide across the US, many of them in tiny cells or working undercover as individuals. It's known that they are in constant contact with each other through a series of well-organised communications networks which the US military has thus far been unable to crack.

Mohammed 'Muzzie' al-Qaradi operates a convenience store in Queens, NY, but could just as easily be an undercover suicide-bomber-in-waiting if the mood took him, and he told us:

"I am no terrorist, Sir!"

an almost-sure sign that he is a terrorist. Other possible terrorists residing in New York continue to plead their innocence, but, the law of averages suggests, at least some of them are bound to be lying, a worrying thought for all of those living in or near the Big Apple.

Last week, two men in Chicago were apprehended after they were caught by CCTV cameras acting suspiciously in a shopping mall, and, despite the fact that they were found to be just going about their normal weird Islamic business, Chicago police have issued a warning to those living in the city to be on their guard against anyone who looks a bit Islamic, and who might constitute a threat to security.

Professor Edward Geiger is a lecturer on Islamic Affairs at the University of Wisconsin. He told us:

"The US is a big country, and there are many places for terrorists to hide. Many will be working in completely mundane fields, for example, shops, supermarkets, factories, banks and offices in the city. They'll be the kind of people you think you've known for a long time, and they'll be your friends. They'll buy you birthday cards, and go for your coffee. They'll be shopkeepers who'll smile and pat your kids on the head. You'll trust them, and wouldn't imagine for a single minute that they are intent on blowing you up, but one day, they will."

This view was echoed by Stanley Earwig, a former teacher in Saudi Arabia, who returned to the US after a three-year spell in Riyadh two months ago. He told us:

"That's the whole point. They are insidious. You won't know who they are, because if you did, the cover is blown. They'll play the long game, settle in, become 'part of the everyday scenery', gain your confidence, and then strike where it hurts. We should be very careful."

The statement from the Islamic authorities will come as welcome news to the ears of President Barack Obama who has confessed secretly to aides that he hasn't got a fucking clue where the terrorists are hiding.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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