Claims that a charity's suicide helpline has been outsourced to a call centre in India have been strongly denied.
Several formerly suicidal people in the US have now moved from depression to seething anger as the voice that they reached out to in the absence of friends and family was that of a "trained voice process" executive from India.
"I was really feeling down about not having a job for the last 4 months. The computer firm I was working in shut down and the business had moved to India. Plus, I'd bought a $2 million dollar speedboat/mobile home. I would have been able to make the payments over a period of 138 years on my $70,000 a year salary but without a job I can't possibly hope to make that," said 27-year old Jacob Cowley.
"So I called up this 1-900 number, but then I keyed them in wrong and reached a suicide helpline. It was just bizarre. The guy on the phone sounded so phoney. He said his name was Vic, from East Virginia. I know that no one is called Vic in East Virginia. I figured out later that the guys' name was Vikram and he was sitting in Bombay. He said he had a target of saving 4 people from suicide every week and had to "up-sell" either 6 insurance policies or 15 iPods over a two-week period. I'm so mad at these do-gooding bastards trying to save people's lives for 20% less. I mean I'm a total prick but what about all the other real people out there who want to be saved by Americans?"
Jacob and a few of his other coincidentally suicidal people have now started a campaign on New York's buses asking depressed people to be "Saved by an American". The movement's political leanings are dubious but public officials have thus far refrained from curtailing it as it has brought several people back into the mainstream of blaming other countries for their woes."It sure beats the hell out of the alternative plan to have terminally ill patients fighting for their lives shoot suicidals and harvest their organs," said one senior official on the condition of anonymity.
US President Barack Obama allegedly condemned the move of the suicide helpline, then defended the charity's right to place its helpline in a location of its choice, praised its work and then refused comment on its wisdom, successfully confusing the American nation for the 3rd time in as 3 months.