Written by Morgan Truce
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Topics: Shoplifting

Tuesday, 10 May 2005

image for Jennifer Wilbanks Couldn't Shoplift Fiancé's Virginity
...very exciting for John.

Convicted shoplifter Jennifer Wilbanks grew increasingly frustrated by her inability to seduce "born again virgin" John Mason. It is thought that Jennifer even took John on shoplifting expeditions to Victoria's Secret - thinking that the thrill of stealing skimpy lingerie might excite her fiancé to the point of getting him into her bed.

But John Mason would have none of it. The "born again virgin" was content with just thinking about getting married to a convicted felon with breast implants who slept around a lot. Of course, John is now even more excited by Jennifer's claim of having been abducted and raped.

Rumors are spreading around Duluth, Georgia that Jennifer Wilbanks is busy thinking of other ways she can keep her John excited before the big wedding day. Jennifer has signed a contract with to appear in a steamy adult movie. She will get paid a small fortune and get a bunch of free tickets so that John Mason can bring all his "born again virgin" friends to watch the x-rated movie. John likes to watch.

It seems that John was so excited by hearing about Jennifer's shoplifting exploits, he has agreed to become her get-away driver. The pair are discussing moving up to pulling off burglaries, and armed bank robberies. Once Jennifer Wilbanks figured out what kept her John interested, it didn't take her long to figure out how to string along the pathetic wimp.

Newspapers across the country have now shifted their focus from wide-eyed Jennifer to John Mason. He is proving to be the one that folks want to read about. Soon we can expect to hear more about John going into therapy. His case seems like it would be a challenge even for Dr. Ruth.

Jerry Springer is planning one of his TV shows on the subject of "born again virgins" and is trying to get John Mason and Jennifer Wilbanks to appear. This must be quite exciting for the Mason and Wilbanks families back in Duluth, Georgia. The parents must certainly be very proud of their now-famous children. For them, all this publicity is much better than that big wedding that didn't happen.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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