Incumbents facing fer-shure defeat in this year's US mid-term elections have been revving up their strategies to take on insurgent rivals. While attack ads and negative stories by 'independent supporters' have always been the norm, incumbents have usually presented a hypocritical front - refraining from 'personally' denigrating rivals; leaving it to their attack dogs to do the dirty.
But something new is happening. Desperate times are driving many politicians to desperate measures. "Win at all costs" has taken on new meaning. Suddenly it is not just enough to spend billions of dollars of one's personal fortune to run for public office to 'work for the common man' ;; A new weapon of offence is required - a quick-response, inter-ballistic word missile designed to target the enemy on-the-spot.
In a new strategy called "Poised for attack 24/7"- [you heard it here first] - many politicians of all stripes & colors- with razor-thin leads in polls leading up to November are now turning to their own version of today's vaporizing ghost-busters - the erudite, offensive, don't-give-a-shit Spoof writer.
However as American speech writers don't have much of a sense of humor and haven't learned the art of truly cutting, toe-curling, absolutely withering sarcasm; this task has been outsourced to their northern neighbors - those crazy-zany Canucks who gave the world such famous wordsmiths as the "McKenzie Brothers", "Royal Canadian Air Farce" and too many to mention top-notched US sit-com writers.
Canadians were chosen as American politicians said they were "...surprised to learn that Canadians live in North America and actually speak English - the language that Jesus spoke." Many of them had previously believed that Canadians spoke "Canadianish - a sort of Frenchy talk" .
"Spoof writers have no loyalty. They're absolute sadists. They will verbally launch attacks on anyone simply for the sheer pleasure of it. They're like starving killer-pigs in a pen waiting for you to fall into the muck. They have this perverse delight in making people squirm; a trigger-happy incisive wit; an intrinsic ability to wilt & destroy with words.
"Spoof writers are excellent on-the-spot thinkers. Why? Let's face it ... they have no lives! Give them a word and they will launch into a 150-word spoof that will curl your toes. They're word attack dogs. This is exactly what incumbents need to vault over their political rivals and back into Congress", said 9 time Congressman Joey "Da-crook" Schmuck of Whodathunk, NY.
These top Spoof writers have been hired to monitor rival tweets, twitters, chatter, e-mails and social sites in order to provide "up-to-the-minute" responses. So high is the demand that a bidding war has broken out with many Spoof writers getting 7-figure contracts. With Canadian spoofsters all signed up the politicians are turning to "others across the pond". Although some politicians lamented, "Hell, we cain't unnerstand a word when those limeys are a-speechifyin on them innernets".
1st-time new-entrant to politics, bible-thumping, "Taking America Back to the Stone Ages", Lotta Krapola of Bassackwards, Virginia called Spoof writers "the Devil's spawn and a blight on America."
She blamed Obama for once again "outsourcing American jobs to those cheese-head Canooks" (sic). In an ironical move - based purely on self-interest; short-term attention deficit and inability to connect moving mouth to brain - she pledged that if she won she would make Spewf-writing (sic) an "..important part of America's school cewrikewlurm (sic)...along with basic readin; ritin n rithmetic so our 'Mer'cans can be edumacated to compete with the world"
Spoof writers immediately tweeted back. Unfortunately because the American media is equally hypocritical & wouldn't say shit even if its mouth was full of it all we can reproduce here are redacted, bleeped out asterisks.
"F**%@@ S*&& %%% ------ C*$#%** B)$^*&#$%%
K*&&$ F)(*&& O((&@%^ ****G------ OFF%$#*****"