(WSU Gainesville FL) This morning, at a press conference at his Dove World Outreach Center, the controversial Extreme Right Reverend Terry Jones, proprietor of cult slave labor TS and Company, purveyor of reconditioned abandoned curbside furniture, announced his Dove World is extending its mission to spread the Gospel according to Terry to other galaxies.
Kicking off a new missionary campaign, Reverend Jones announced ambitious plans to launch ten of his parishioners (he only has twelve excluding his wife) to the far reaches of the universe.
To jumpstart the fundraising effort to finance the divinely inspired mission, Rev. Jones is designating October 31st 2010, as the official "Burn A Clown" Day.
They plan to have the world's largest bonfire of clowns, jesters, people that pierce unspeakable parts of their bodies with tattoos that say things that don't mean nothing to nobody, Blackberry owners and Democrats in the courtyard of the Center at 8:00 PM.
These people - who are they? Masquerading behind masks and greasepaint...always making light of serious issues.
They undermine the coming of the Messiah, the divine hand in creating Pork Rinds, the wondrous miracle of Skoal bandits, Monster Trucks and the awesome power of GOD as seen in demolition derbies.
Only Jesus could allow twenty yahoos drive around a figure eight track, colliding into each other, without anyone sustaining an injury.
Burning bush? Hell, that ain't shit...excuse me...crap, when compared to Gremlins, Vegas, Mavericks and Pintos smashed up on all sides, blowing smoke and dragging fenders and all drivers waving to the GOD fearing brothers and sisters screaming in the stands.
Only heathens, Emmett Kelly, liberals, faggots, anyone that has read "Catcher In The Rye," people that still wear Crocs or have tiny alligators on their shirts could deny God's plan after attending a derby.
"That's GOD and GOD has spoken to me. He has personally instructed me to go out into the cyberspace, inner space, outer space, Wal-Mart AND IKEA, whatever that is, to spread HIS word.
"From the responses I've seen from the Outreach Center's website, my mission to the cyberspace has been accomplished.
"Tomorrow, I am personally goin to Wal-Mart to pick up some rubber worms and then I am goin catfishin in the Sewanee River...so those two realms are gettin "the word."
"I have prayed for more information as to what the hell an IKEA is. Do they taste like chicken? I ain't sure why I gotta preach to some bird. But I'll do my part and I have faith that my ten brave and committed missionaries will do theirs."
"Just this afternoon, the Dove Outreach Center's PayPal account reflected a balance of $3,825,619.43. The Lord has shined on this crusade. Praise the Lord - He has risen.
"Last night, Jesus told me that I should not abandon the fallen, so I hopped into my new Maybach and headed down to the red light district in Gainesville.
"In three hours, I had four different lost, misguided, firm and shapely teenage girls place their trust in me and by the time we finished, In God They Trusted...and the rapture enveloped me four times as well.
"Then GOD spoke to me again on my twelve speaker, 200 watt RMS, iPOD ready, Sirius-XM equipped indash entertainment system. He said, "Terri, diversify your portfolio." I thought he was telling me to preach to some poor wayward young Black teenage girls.
"He then said, "No, you fucking idiot - ETFs...exchange traded funds! Jesus saves and you should too."
"The LORD works in mysterious ways."