Santa Monica Lewinsky, California; Friday 6 May - (Rioters) A distraught Debbie Rowe collapsed in remorse today as Federal investigators probed her on recently submitted evidence in the Michael Jackson perjury trial.
Speaking through an interpreter after failing the FBI's Polygram truth detector test, Rowe said that she had been leant on by George Bush' s Department of Graceland Insecurity operatives who had lost a packet betting that she and Lisa Marie Presley Jackson would admit to having had consensual three-way sex with Jackson.
And in a further startling revelation, Rowe confirmed
that she had been present in 1982 when Jackson could not be resuscitated at a LA skin clinic after an anaesthetics cock-up following major surgery to his face:
"Sony then went beserk. Michael had just cashed their $250million advance check for the next five albums and laundered the proceeds via his Bogota accounts to his financial adviser Mr Jeffrey Gannon.
"There was no way the record label was going down over this one - especially as they had insisted on the nose job in the first place.
"So they brought in a lookalike clone who claimed to be Oprah's bastard retard, chucked the corpse in the clinic's incinerator and everything else is history".
Rowe was comforted by a substantial check that her attorney presented to her earlier today after she signed an exclusive deal with Halo! magazine, confirming her recently appointed role as a Bush-nominated Global Peace Process luminary.
But she also admitted that it felt scary testifying in open court in California, knowing that Gannon had been linked by the Feds to a string of incendiary devices that resulted in yesterday's blast outside the UK Consulate in Manhattan.
"Those bastards in the Pentagon shouldn't have busted that Franklin dude for spying for Israel.
"Just because a few billion dollars is missing from the UN's Fraud-for-Oil Saddam programme doesn't mean to say that Wacko was or is a recipient of $$$$$$$$$$$$s of Iraqi UN funds. His overdraft facilities are fine.
"And the CIA knows that it can't prove that Gannon had anything to do with any of this or that he is in fact the biological father of all my children."
Meanwhile, reporting restrictions were lifted today as Jackson's defence team fielded a string of witnesses who began testifying that their hero had in fact slept in the same bed with the Pope, Ghandi and Nancy Reagan "without any improper behavior going on whatsoever Your Honor".
The case continues.