Written by Alistair Clarke
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Topics: Beer, Atlantis

Thursday, 9 September 2010

O'HARE'S PUB, NEW YORK - Martin Coweson, a mine worker from Fort Frolic, sent shockwaves throughout the archaeology world with his uncovering of the fabled sunken city of Atlantis in the dregs of his 500ml bottle of Budweiser at 2am last Saturday morning. He had been drinking with his co-workers since the early hours of the previous evening when he decided on a whim to pretend to use the nearly-empty bottle as a telescope to look at nearby women. Upon peering into the murky depths, however, he was stunned to notice an infinitesimally small tribe of advanced life forms.

After sobering up, Coweson contacted the press. Within hours the establishment was packed to the rafters with America's leading archaeologists. One such expert, Professor Cornelius Trouserkeg, was effusive in his appraisal of the find. "Throughout history we have wondered of the astonishing city of Atlantis, lost at the bottom of the ocean. Over the years it came to be seen as a myth, but now, for the first time, we have conclusive proof of its existence." The Professor then pointed to the images produced by his electron microscope that clearly show the shape of the mass to be consistent with the drawings in his Ladybird Guide to Atlantis.

Also at the scene was Professor Stanford Sandtrap, the head of biological study at Harvard. Sandtrap explained that the ramifications of the first contact are "monumental". "This species is unlike anything we've seen before. They seem to communicate telepathically which is an enticing prospect. Unfortunately, however, at the moment they seem to only want to talk to Mr Coweson, but we're hopeful that one of our communications experts can establish a psychic link fairly soon."

A close look at the submerged wonderland reveals magnificent architecture that seems far beyond the level of technology that was available to humans at the time of its creation, though a small fragment has been carbon dated and confirmed to be from that period. This inconsistency is a particular source of intrigue for Professor Mark Marlon, head of evolutionary study at Cambridge. "The difference between these creatures and humans of the time is remarkable. Not only do they have clear examples of solar-powered buildings, they are also both incredibly small and living in an alcoholic beverage. Neither of those qualities was present in humans at that point in history. We can only hope that further study will reveal the secrets of this landmark artefact."

Rumours that Budweiser has already started work on a marketing campaign tentatively codenamed "A Piece of History in Every Bottle" remain unconfirmed as of press time.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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